Hiatus

So. This is where I am: sitting in my parents' home waiting for an intake worker from a hospital specializing in eating disorders to call us back.

Because, in the words of my niece Nikkole as she dove beneath the couch to retrieve a lost sock, "I'm going in!" (You have to hear how that sounds in my head to fully appreciate it.)

The low point was yesterday as I lay in a pool of my own vomit (wine and chocolate chip cookies) with someone on the other end of the phone line trying to keep me awake.

The high point? Staying awake.

I've worked pretty hard at sniping, sniveling and sarcastically writing around my eating/control issues. I think I fooled nearly everyone, myself included. But you get to the point where it's just too damn exhausting to do it anymore. Any of it. Eat. Breathe. Hide.

I don't know that they're going to let me blog at the hospital. And I probably shouldn't anyway. At some point, I'll be back. Better? Maybe. I'd be happy to just be back.

Two years of posting

The 19th marked two years of this blog. Two years of writing at first what I thought would be for me, then became a way to connect to other people, then it was for other people. And now I really need it to be for me.

I censor so much of what I write here because I am afraid of judgement. I want to portray a picture of success. I want confidence and charisma to exhude from every word and phrase. So most times it does.

And when it doesn't, when it slips into honesty and self-examination, I feel I will let down the people who come to this address for encouragement. For hope that life gets better when you're thinner. That life is easier when you're lighter.

In fact, it can be. But it necessarily won't be.

I'm still in Atlanta. I might stretch my time here a little longer. I haven't decided. While here, I've felt relief from my eating and internal demons. I know that doesn't pacify them for good. But the break--it's sweet. Sweeter than any food I could let pass my lips.

The land of milk and honey.

ATL on my mind

Leaving tonight for a long weekend in ATL with WW. A retreat of sorts for me from reality. A break. Hopefully well-deserved. First, a meeting with a nutritionist. Another one. Looking for sanity in my eating plan. Not sure if I'm really ready for it.

The scale continues to move down. I'm pleased with myself. But wish I didn't look so fat in all my clothes. I don't get how you can lose 10 pounds and not see a difference.