I have completed a full week of 100% meal plan compliance and abstinence from eating disorder behaviors. While not a record, nor a point for future comparison, it does cap off a week of great change and progress. A week of aggravation and empowerment. I'm proud of myself. I'll claim it as a victory. And I'll use it to move forward. If I did it for seven days, I can do it for one more. One more. One more. One more.
I can almost taste the possibility of health. Wholeness. Whole me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a year. I feel more capable and confident that I have felt in a year. It's like meeting myself for the first time and knowing right away that I'm a person I want to get to know. Need to know.
Not to say there won't be bad days. Bad moments. Doubt. Regret. But that's part of my humanity. I can choose to accept it or not. And I guess if I choose me, if I choose a new life, then I also need to accept the not-so-hot, quite ordinary and often boring parts of myself, too. Without them, maybe I'd never have had a glimpse of how extraordinary I will be some day.
It sounds like I'm high. Maybe. Or rather, just alive, aware. Present. A presence of mind that is undeniably real.
Maybe that's why I can write again. Why the words fit better, sound better, make more sense. Why they hold emotion instead of echoing it. Why they catch my breath when I repeat them, even silently, even from memory.
My life is full of promise, not promises. Full of me. Well fed, loved, content. Not so hungry. Satiated. Significant.
That is beautiful. Days have a way of turning into weeks and can turn into months before we know it. You can do anything. Here is to this week.
ReplyDeleteHeather E
Hooray! Thanks for keeping writing and posting and trying and learning and living. I really like reading it.
ReplyDelete"I'll claim it as a victory. And I'll use it to move forward."
ReplyDeleteAs you should. As you should. Remember the feeling of hope and health that you are experiencing right now.
What a change! I know there's still work to do, but I think you might finally believe everything we've been telling you.
Donna :)
I am so happy for you!
ReplyDeleteHuzzah! You should definitely claim it as a victory. You worked very hard for it and deserve to feel proud.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!
ReplyDeleteAWWWW! "I feel more capable and confident that I have felt in a year. It's like meeting myself for the first time and knowing right away that I'm a person I want to get to know."
ReplyDeleteYou're pretty damn extraordinary right now, girl. I'm so glad you had this day and this experience -- and I'm so glad I can have the experience of sort-of knowing you through your blog.
xo
shake that fabulous ASS
ReplyDeletexo, Candi
I was waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and then you posted.
ReplyDeleteWay to go! You are one amazing lady!
ReplyDelete~stormi
""My life is full of promise, not promises. Full of me. Well fed, loved, content. Not so hungry. Satiated. Significant."""
ReplyDeleteI read that sentance like, over, and over, and over. Very powerful. I am thrilled for you. And you CAN do it for many, many more days to come.
Congratulations! Way to go!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLynette