Another milestone

I've been flirting with this number for so long, that I could barley talk about it without feeling like I was going to jinx myself. But after five days of consistent readings, I think it's safe to say: I've lost 150 pounds.

I have 5 pounds to go until I could be considered the "normal" weight for a woman my age and height. I have 8.5 pounds to go until I can say I have lost half of my body weight. I have 13 pounds to lose before my BMI would be below "overweight." And I am only 20 pounds above my ulitmate weight goal.

While I'm still scale obsessed and stand on the damn thing a gazillion times a day, it feels more like "checking in" with myself than judging. If it goes up a pound or two, I know it's going to come back down. If it dips a couple pounds, I don't believe it until it's been there several days in a row. I judge my weight better by how my clothes fit than how the scales reads.

Those weightloss goals are out there for me. I could live with not hitting that ultimate goal. I couldn't live with gaining a significant portion of this weight loss back. So for today, I'm celebrating this new milestone just for myself. It's been nobody's goal but my own, so it makes reaching it all that more sweet.

Who will be #15,000?

My site meter tells me visitor number 15,000 is lurking nearby. Who will it be? I think I'll have a special prize for #15,000. I'll take suggestions for fabu prizes.

Diving Deep and Surfacing

Through a series of fortuitous events, none of which I've written about in this space (or have only alluded to), I find myself at the beginning again. The beginning of me.

When I traveled to Atlanta last month, my time spent with Wendy was refreshing and relaxing in a way that I didn't even know I needed. The last time I had been with her I was well into therapy, intent on clear thinking, in the zone of healing. But since then, I realized during this trip, I had let a lot of that slide. As I began to feel more grounded while with her last month, it became obvious to me how detached I had become the last few months.

In the terminal waiting for my return flight, I spotted a peculiar man. Fiftyish. Wildly crazy hair. Equally bizarre clothing. I wondered what his story was. When I got to my airplane seat, he was sitting next to mine. Within minutes we struck up a conversation that lasted beyond the arrival gate in Milwaukee. This guy has a long list of credentials, an impressive set of accomplishments, a keen insight into human behavior. But what really intrigued me about Neil was how he's carved a niche for himself in this world--with his clothes, his persona, his reputation--and fills it full with creativity and caring for humanity. I admire his fearlessness and sense of self.

A few days before Thanksgiving, I received a message from a friend, someone long lost but rarely far from my thoughts. After 10 years, he had returned home and was seeking me out. I've loved this man since we first met when we were young and lost, searching for meaning in our lives before we even understood where that could take us. He was one of those seminal figures in my world whose presence cajoled me into adulthood. We met over the holiday weekend and have spoken and written since. Stepping back into this friendship has been like slipping on last season's winter coat...familiar, warm, comforting, knowing what it's capable of because it's already weathered the vicious, bone-chilling storms. He's struggled himself over the past few years. I wonder if what we each have been through has, in part, happened so that we could come together again.

But he's also pushed open that door of mine a little bit further. As Wendy's presence helped me see my need for sure footing and Neil's chance meeting opened my eyes to possibilities I had long considered but been too self-censoring to consider, Steven's return is becoming for me the map to a path I formerly might not have considered. All things point me in this direction.

I want to be my authentic self, the person I was destined to become, true to my soul. While I've started this process or, in the least, have set the process in motion with definitive choices I've made, I know that I honestly haven't committed myself to it. I've not integrated into my life what I've been learning (or saying I need to learn). It's been superficial at best.

Where am I going with all this? Not a clue. Other than to know that I'm going somewhere. I need to keep moving, keep searching, keep changing.

I visited this morning, a website that Steven recommended. Yesterday I visited a website recommended by Steven and listened to some of Caroline Myss' free audio lectures on risk. She speaks a truth I need to hear.

As if I needed a further sign, her thought for today reads: You are afraid of your own empowerment as much as those around you are of you becoming empowered.

Whether it's all things aligned in the universe, the hand of God swirling my world or some other divine intervention, I feel compelled to dive deep on blind faith--maybe intuition--that I will surface.