Tonight's Menu

I'm cold, so I made soup.

I just added Skinny Tortilla Soup to a cookbook I'm finishing up, so it was on my mind. The recipe is simple, but adjusting it is even easier.

I skipped the corn, the cheese and the tortilla chips. I used southwesters-seasoned chicken breast cubes for extra kick, too. Oh, I also cut the extra water and added another can of refried beans because I like thick soup.

The outcome was pretty good. I could eat only about 3/4 cup because it was so thick. But I think I got my fill of fiber.

Riesling

I'm drunk. I just downed a glass of wine after a crazy day at work. I love the rush and the warmth, the slight giddiness, the ability to let go.

I'm going to get another glass. Cheers.

Self-flagellation

I don't know what's more painful: shoving too much food down my throat or beating myself up over it.

This dark place I'm in is difficult hard to bear. I know I make it even harder when I constantly berate myself and put myself down. It's so easy, I'm finding, to really slide back into that old pattern of behavior. In some ways, it's even more painful now than before because I realize that I shouldn't let myself be filled with so much self-hate. It used to be how I coped on a daily basis. Hating myself. Eating myself to fatdom. Hating myself for eating myself into fatdom. Eating myself out of fatdom, trying to think it was making me feel better. Vicious cycle.

I recognize that I am in this cycle. I know that at one point I had the tools to break it. Afterall, I was doing gangbusters for a while. I just need to slow down, figure out what I'm really dealing with, name it and then move on.

Today was a pretty decent food day. Protein first. Reasonable portions. Not too compulsive in my thinking. By now means was it perfect. But it was not an all out pigfest. And I certainly didn't feel out of control. Did I need to eat at 3 p.m. today? Probably not. But what I ate was a good choice. Yesterday, it wasn't a good choice. I need to take that as progress.