No Name Post

I need to write something tonight, but I'm just not sure what. I've been toying with the idea of calling one of my therapists. I know I'm not doing well. But what would I say? "Hi, this is Jen. I'm feeling exceptionally fragile tonight and rather under medicated. Any tips for staying present and not purging?"

Actually, no purging today. I did enough of that last night. Why? Because yesterday morning I fit into and bought two pairs of size 10 jeans. That makes no sense. I know that. But what makes sense? What about my life makes any sense right now?

Someone asked me if I'd turn back the clock and do the gastric bypass again. I don't know. At least when I was really fat it made sense to be miserable. And I could eat without purging. I could gain weight and no one would notice. I could live my eating disorder without it interfering with my life.

Maybe that's the problem. This damn eating disorder is interfering. In every way imaginable. From the moment I wake in the morning to when I go to bed at night--even in my dreams. Every night. Dreams of buffets that run out of food. Dreams of rotten food slopped on trays. Dreams of college meal cards running out of money just when I've loaded my plate with the most decadent chocolate cake.

This shitty eating disorder is affecting my relationships (I lie to hide it), my job (cookbook editor, WTF?!?), my health (sore throat from puking), my cats (because they are furry pillows to cry on), my heating bill (holed up with the thermostat cranked.) Damn.

I feel like everything I learned in program is out the window. I KNOW what I learned, but I feel helpless. I can't tap into it. It's at my fingertips, but out of reach.

In some ways, I feel worse than I did before treatment. Now I know how fucked up I am. I rather enjoyed the blissful ignorance of living my ED with abandon and joy. Whatever.

I hate 2007. What a sucky ass year. And tonight. Tonight it's not feeling like 2008 will be much better.

Why I Love My Blog Readers

Thank you to the anonymous reader who commented on the post below. Thank you for taking the time to write when you didn't have to, for reaching out when I never even knew you were there. You, anonymous friend, made a huge difference in my life today.

The kindness of strangers and support of readers has been a blessing these past few months. Sometimes I just can't reach out to the people I see every day. Sometimes I can't fathom sharing my thoughts and fears with faces I recognize...or who might recognize me. It's a comfort to know that this blog keeps me connected to people, even when I feel no connection in my present world.

I never intended to write this blog for anyone but myself. While I (usually) don't write for an audience, just knowing that there's one on the the other side of the screen keep me processing, posting, plodding ahead.

I've gotten emails from people telling me what a difference I've made to them in their own struggles. But I'm telling you, my anonymous and not so anonymous readers, what a difference you've come to make in my life.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Snow Day

They say we'll get a bunch of snow today. I'm staying in. In my pajamas. Drinking coffee. Following my meal plan from a couple weeks ago.

My RD pulled out a daily food log from last week at my appt. yesterday and told me to follow it. No planning required. No thought. I'm going to try. All I can do is try.

Yesterday. Not a good day. By any means. My throat is sore today from the purging. I have a sugar hangover from what I couldn't get rid of. I don't want to live another day like Thursday. It's wearing me down.