Where to start

I've not been able to write what I needed to say, so I've stayed away from this blog. I still don't know what to write. I hardly understand the things I need to say.

Saturday I came home to an empty house. The movers were here and loaded up all of her belongings and took them away. It's a bittersweet ending. Thirteen years brought to a close. The only thing left to do is finish up the refinancing and sign the final paperwork.

Sunday my new living room furniture arrived. Sitting in this familiar spot with new furnishings gave me a sense of belonging in my own home. I like how the room feels. I like that it's mine.

Today I went back to work. The first day since mid-October. I managed to create a meal plan on Sunday night and then follow thorugh with it all day today (except for my evening snacks, but not really a big deal.) It was odd to be back in the building. My brain didn't want to think work. I guess it's used to processing emotions now. This could make me dangerous.

So I'm feeling happy to have movement in my life, but saddened by the transition and all it has entailed. I'm relieved to have more structure in my world, but miss the freedom of focusing on just me. The here and now must also include the who and what. I wonder how I'll get that integrated.

I did a guided mediation in therapy this afternoon. It ended with the thought that I am at the beginning of great change. I do believe that. Scared to death, uncertain, wavering. But sure that change will happen. Even if it's at the pace of the universe and not my own.