No Name Post

I need to write something tonight, but I'm just not sure what. I've been toying with the idea of calling one of my therapists. I know I'm not doing well. But what would I say? "Hi, this is Jen. I'm feeling exceptionally fragile tonight and rather under medicated. Any tips for staying present and not purging?"

Actually, no purging today. I did enough of that last night. Why? Because yesterday morning I fit into and bought two pairs of size 10 jeans. That makes no sense. I know that. But what makes sense? What about my life makes any sense right now?

Someone asked me if I'd turn back the clock and do the gastric bypass again. I don't know. At least when I was really fat it made sense to be miserable. And I could eat without purging. I could gain weight and no one would notice. I could live my eating disorder without it interfering with my life.

Maybe that's the problem. This damn eating disorder is interfering. In every way imaginable. From the moment I wake in the morning to when I go to bed at night--even in my dreams. Every night. Dreams of buffets that run out of food. Dreams of rotten food slopped on trays. Dreams of college meal cards running out of money just when I've loaded my plate with the most decadent chocolate cake.

This shitty eating disorder is affecting my relationships (I lie to hide it), my job (cookbook editor, WTF?!?), my health (sore throat from puking), my cats (because they are furry pillows to cry on), my heating bill (holed up with the thermostat cranked.) Damn.

I feel like everything I learned in program is out the window. I KNOW what I learned, but I feel helpless. I can't tap into it. It's at my fingertips, but out of reach.

In some ways, I feel worse than I did before treatment. Now I know how fucked up I am. I rather enjoyed the blissful ignorance of living my ED with abandon and joy. Whatever.

I hate 2007. What a sucky ass year. And tonight. Tonight it's not feeling like 2008 will be much better.

Why I Love My Blog Readers

Thank you to the anonymous reader who commented on the post below. Thank you for taking the time to write when you didn't have to, for reaching out when I never even knew you were there. You, anonymous friend, made a huge difference in my life today.

The kindness of strangers and support of readers has been a blessing these past few months. Sometimes I just can't reach out to the people I see every day. Sometimes I can't fathom sharing my thoughts and fears with faces I recognize...or who might recognize me. It's a comfort to know that this blog keeps me connected to people, even when I feel no connection in my present world.

I never intended to write this blog for anyone but myself. While I (usually) don't write for an audience, just knowing that there's one on the the other side of the screen keep me processing, posting, plodding ahead.

I've gotten emails from people telling me what a difference I've made to them in their own struggles. But I'm telling you, my anonymous and not so anonymous readers, what a difference you've come to make in my life.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Snow Day

They say we'll get a bunch of snow today. I'm staying in. In my pajamas. Drinking coffee. Following my meal plan from a couple weeks ago.

My RD pulled out a daily food log from last week at my appt. yesterday and told me to follow it. No planning required. No thought. I'm going to try. All I can do is try.

Yesterday. Not a good day. By any means. My throat is sore today from the purging. I have a sugar hangover from what I couldn't get rid of. I don't want to live another day like Thursday. It's wearing me down.

Twisted Christmas

I would like this day to be over. Another 50 minutes or so here in CST zone. That's 50 minutes too many for me.

Maybe that means tomorrow I won't be consumed by loneliness, sadness, self-loathing and destructive eating behaviors. Maybe that means tomorrow I'll be someone different. Better. Less screwed up. More perfect. Just like I ought to be.

Unfortunately, there's nothing remotely encouraging that the I can think of to make me even want to wake up in the morning. If I could sleep all day, I would. But even a double dose of Trazadone only knocks me out for 5 hours. So sleep's not on the agenda.

Eating's not on the agenda either. I put so much sugar into my body today, it convulsed and sent it back up as frothy vomit. Chocolate colored, of course. Stuffing peanut butter balls, chocolate-dipped caramels and ginger snaps into my face hole did nothing to ease the pain in my chest. Nothing. Why bother tomorrow? It will just be more of the same.

This fucking sucks. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it. Myself. This situation. This goddamn fucking eating disorder. My inability to change. To let go of the eating disorder. To take control of myself. I don't feel that I can do it. I don't see any hope. I can't even go a week without binging or purging. And now there's the scale.

I stepped on it Christmas eve. I needed to see a number. I was willing for it to be sky high. I just needed something concrete. Absolute. Something to prove that I am more than a figment of my own imagination. And the number was wonderful. Lower than I've ever seen on a scale. Comforting, encouraging, affirming. So welcoming.

The scale's in the kitchen. I don't have the guts to move it. I stepped on it this morning, as a present to myself. A present from an old, dear friend. The number was lower than the night before. It was beautiful. But not strong enough to keep me from gorging myself on holiday food. So I tried it again tonight. Twice. It was the same both times. I know I'll step on it again in the morning. Just to be sure.

The clock keeps ticking. Thank god a day has only 24 hours.

Who said this was going to be easy?

Because it's not. The first Christmas in recovery. The first holiday as a newly "divorced" woman. The first new year with so much possibility and so much panic all rolled into one big ball of "what the hell now".

I was out shopping. The anxiety started to creep in. The fear. The doubt. I couldn't decide if I should plan a binge or start restricting. With so much confusion, it was easier to do neither. So I came home.

And now I'm writing this post. Turning to faceless people for silent support. Writing whatever comes...because I can. Admitting that there's really not much "merry" in my overly enthused holiday greetings. For now. In an hour, this may pass. Or not. Either way, I need to chill. I need to stay present. I need to remember that what won't kill me will make me stronger. Maybe a little more crazy, too.

Ah, vacation!

After two months off of work, who'd think I was ready for a vacation. Come noon today, I'm out again until January 2. Nice.

This week has been difficult. Everyone at work has been so genuinely nice. And they've been tolerant of my fuzzy head. But the work itself...the food, the recipes, the photos, the pervasive presence of all things edible...is torture.

Monday and Wednesday I had two meetings, each 1-1/2 hours long, where we looked at food photos on a big screen to select options for chapter openers in a book we're working on. One after another, hundreds and hundreds, we looked at every type of food you might find in a cookbook. The only thing missing for me was a bunch of electrode taped to my head to administer a dose of aversion therapy. It was so awful, it was funny.

The good news was that I didn't let myself wallow in eating disorder thoughts or behaviors. For as chaotic as the last seven days of my life have been, I've had only a couple set backs. I'll take that.

My calorie consumption is rising. I'm averaging 1600+ a day. And my nutritionist is ok with that. Now I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept that whatever I put into my body must stay in my body until it is digested. No purging. Maybe it will curb the impulsive binges. Or, it might just help me get super fat again because I have no self-control. That scares me. Purging has been a nice, easy outlet for me. It relieves anxiety and rids my body of the enemy. Without it, I could be consumed by the very stuff I consume.

So.

Vacation. Must plan meals. Must plan social interaction. Must stay focused. And repeat: Trust my body. Trust my support team. get out of my head. I am capable, lovable, worthy. Repeat after me.

Where to start

I've not been able to write what I needed to say, so I've stayed away from this blog. I still don't know what to write. I hardly understand the things I need to say.

Saturday I came home to an empty house. The movers were here and loaded up all of her belongings and took them away. It's a bittersweet ending. Thirteen years brought to a close. The only thing left to do is finish up the refinancing and sign the final paperwork.

Sunday my new living room furniture arrived. Sitting in this familiar spot with new furnishings gave me a sense of belonging in my own home. I like how the room feels. I like that it's mine.

Today I went back to work. The first day since mid-October. I managed to create a meal plan on Sunday night and then follow thorugh with it all day today (except for my evening snacks, but not really a big deal.) It was odd to be back in the building. My brain didn't want to think work. I guess it's used to processing emotions now. This could make me dangerous.

So I'm feeling happy to have movement in my life, but saddened by the transition and all it has entailed. I'm relieved to have more structure in my world, but miss the freedom of focusing on just me. The here and now must also include the who and what. I wonder how I'll get that integrated.

I did a guided mediation in therapy this afternoon. It ended with the thought that I am at the beginning of great change. I do believe that. Scared to death, uncertain, wavering. But sure that change will happen. Even if it's at the pace of the universe and not my own.

12/13 Goals

Thursday's Goals
1.) Try not to restrict.
2.) Stay present.
3.) Trust my support time.

BACK TO BASICS.

RESULTS: Wednesday's Goals
1) Try to follow as closely as possible my newly revised meal plan. -- Great job until midnight. Does that count as Thursday then?
2) Clean the house, work on laundry. -- Spic and Span
3) Continue creative work on self-description poem. --Busy, didn't get back to room.

Pigging Out.

At least that's what it feels like. I saw my OP nutritionist yesterday. She has a pretty good handle on post-op WLS people who have eating disorders. So I know that I should TRUST MY SUPPORT TEAM and listen to what she offers.

Well, yesterday she said I need to increase my calories. To 1800 a day. GULP. That's too many! Too much food! Too much time spent eating! I DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT MUCH!

I KNOW that a woman of my age, size and activity needs 1800 calories a day to maintain weight. But I want to LOSE weight. I am NOT at my goal weight. I still have lots of jiggly fat in my stomach. There's no way it's going anywhere if I don't eat fewer calories.

I thought I was doing well at 1200 calories. That's 3 meals and 3 or 4 snacks a day. Now I need to eat 3 meals and 4-5 snacks a day...all with more calories. Every two hours, something must go in my mouth and it may not return past my lips of my own volition.

I feel like having to eat SO MUCH, SO OFTEN is going to lead me to binging. What if I can't stop eating? What if I eat my way back to triple hundred. Crap.

But I've got to try. I've got to TRUST MY BODY. I've got to GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Anne gave me a new form to use for planning and tracking meals. I'm trying to match time, calories and exchanges, first planning the night before the following day. Then, the next day, filling in what I actually do eat and when. Of course, I had to recreate it in Excel so it's all pretty and computer friendly. That made me feel better.

Lunch is in 45 minutes. Sandwich. Apple. Going to go psych myself up for the feast.

12/12 Goals

Wednesday's Goals:
1) Try to follow as closely as possible my newly revised meal plan.
2) Clean the house, work on laundry.
3) Continue creative work on self-description poem.

RESULTS: Tuesday's goals
1)100% meal plan compliance: time, calories, exchanges. -- Did my best. Calories were around 1250. Timing off. Exchanges kind of ok. Actually MADE a meal last night.
2) Bed by 11 p.m. -- 11:30, lights out. Awake at 4 from the flippin' plows.
3) Work out with 30 minutes of cardio. -- Did my work out but not the cardio, per the advice of my nutritionist.

12/11 Goals

Tuesday's goals:
1)100% meal plan compliance: time, calories, exchanges.
2) Bed by 11 p.m.
3) Work out with 30 minutes of cardio.

RESULTS: Monday's goals
1) 100% meal plan compliance: time, calories, exchanges. Um, kind of. Time was off. Exchanges were off. Calories were around 1300...but not the best choices.
2) Bed by 11 p.m. Turned off the light at 11:30 and woke up at 8!!!
3) Stay present. I did. Most times. And when I couldn't, I found something constructive to do instead of getting lost.

Day One

Monday's goals:
1) 100% meal plan compliance: time, calories, exchanges.
2) Bed by 11 p.m.
3) Stay present.

First day not in partial program. I was more worried about it over the weekend than I ended up being freaked out by it today. Early morning changes to afternoon plans got me out of the hosue sooner rather than later. And once out, I stayed out. (Story of my life.)

Tonight's goal is to eat dinner, since I skipped lunch because of getting up late and a noon appointment. I also need to get to bed BEFORE 2 a.m. (I'd vote 11, if possible.) And I need to work on my head...trying to process some stuff from today's therapy...but not over process it and end up worse.

My art studio is nearly ready to be ransacked by my creativity. It's been a full year since I was actually creating something in the space. Since the program and the nearly daily art therapy sessions, I've been writing and creating more. It feels good. It feels like me.

I brought one of my scales in the house. Not to stand on. I think I'm going to alter it in some kind of funky artistic "weigh" to help me get over the fixation. And if I can do that, maybe it can be the scale to stand on when I want tow eigh something other than my body.

I'm looking forward to returning to work next Monday. I need things to fill my time. All day is a lot of time to spend in my own head. And I'm running out of tv shows I've recorded to watch. Plus, it's probably time to join the human race.

Things with the house are getting settled. This weekend we talked and went through the house, room by room, to divvy up the goods. Next Saturday the moving truck comes for her things. I think I need to be gone. Yes, this was my decision, my call, my move. But it's still sad and painful...knowing I've hurt someone else, feeling like a failure in a relationship, wondering if I can truly be alone.

Okay. Stopping now. Too many racing thoughts. Backing out of the head and into the body.

I am healed!

Okay, maybe not. Maybe not at all. But I just got home from my final day in my treatment program. Anxious, elated, scared, sad, hopeful...I'm all of those things right now. I know the timing is right: I wouldn't accomplish any more than I have to this point if I don't start practicing what I've learned. Yes, that freaks me out. No, it's not worth holding on to.

I'm pretty much set for what I'll do through the weekend. I have a gazillion appointments next week with my therapist, nutritionist, personal trainer, dentist, etc. Every day. Appointments. While it's something to do, it's not what I look forward to. Except maybe the therapy appointments since I could be an emotional wreck my 3 p.m. CST on Monday. Or maybe not. We'll see.

Tonight, I'm babysitting. A nice diversion. A necessary one. I've got to stay out of my head...and when you're with a five-year-old, there ain't no hiding out in my thoughts.

So I'll just take it one meal and snack at a time. One minute at a time if I need to. I deserve this recovery.

Your Personal Nutrition Guide

I get emails all the time from people wanting to link to my site or for me to link to their site. And most of them are so lame, I'm not surprised I hadn't yet found them.

But I did get one request recently that caught my eye. Maybe because I've gone back to working with a nutritionist. Maybe because I'm looking for one to work with after I'm discharged. Either way, this site had tons of great stuff on it. So, with that, I'd like to invite everyone to check out Your Personal Nutrition Guide.

As I work my ED program, I'm learning that no matter what your personal medical issue, there are common nutritional truths that everyone should follow. I think the author of this site, Suzette Krill Barancik, hits on a lot of those universal truths in a way that isn't intimidating and that is understandable.

Of course, her credentials are impressive, too. In her words:
"Nutritionist Suzette Kroll Barancik, RD, is a registered dietitian, certified intrinsic coach and specialist in nutritional counseling. She is a senior staff member of the world renowned Canyon Ranch Health Resort in Tucson, Arizona. Suzette specializes in weight loss and sports nutrition as well as nutrition relating to heart disease, diabetes, vegetarianism, and teen eating." I couldn't have said that better myself.

When you have a second, check out her site, Your Personal Nutrition Guide. You'll find a link to mine and other weight loss blogs at Your Personal Nutrition Blog.

Tell her Jen from Hot Fat 4 Sale sent you!

Visitor 30,000!

Can you hear the bells and whistles? Visitor #30,000 popped onto my site today at 1:47 p.m. CST from Knoxville, Tennessee. She's a regular visitor...but I don't know her name. So if it's you, dear reader, drop me a line! Tell me why you read this blog, why you come back, what you want to be when you grow up. And thanks to EVERYONE for reading, writing and sending support vibes!

Sleep. Scales. Stuff.

Today was much better than yesterday. I got a full night's sleep and didn't wake up until nearly 7:30 a.m. That's the longest I've slept in months.

I pretty much stayed on track with my meal plan all day. After dinner, I went a little wild with my snack...not overboard...but I don't think I had enough calories during the day. That would make sense. Quick tally: breakfast/200, snack/100, lunch/300, snack/150, snack/75, dinner/250, snack/250. That's a total of 1325. Not bad. If I hadn't had the extra snack before dinner and the big snack after, I would have been too low. Most days, I think I'm getting anywhere from 1300 to 1500 calories. Since I don't count them, I just try to guestimate near the end of the day.

There's a scale (well, actually three) in my garage. When my mom brought me home from the hospital and hid the scales, she stored them in her car. They were returned today. But left outside. It's too cold to weigh out there and, besides, my coat would get in the way.

This could be my last week in the eating disorders partial program at Roger's Memorial. Insurance has only authorized through the end of the week. I'm actually ok thinking about not being there next week. Maybe being off today and tomorrow is a good thing. I'll worry about it when next week comes. In the meantime, stay present.

Difficult day

For many reasons. Just hard. They tell me that any transition in treatment is stressful and chances of relapse increase. Go ahead, just push me over the edge and see what happens.

The anxiety today was overwhelming. Not sure why. Ok. I know why. Not going there. Because when I did, I purged. Not putting fingers down my throat kind of purge, but "swallowing hard in a weird kind of way within 15 minutes of eating very dense food to bring it back up the esophagus" kind of way. Eating disorder, nonetheless. And it was at treatment.

Today I feel like I've got a war waging inside of me. Lord knows who's winning. Doesn't feel like me. Just so much stuff tangled up in my head...it's hard to get out of it.

I'm not in program Tuesday or Wednesday this week. Waiting to hear if insurance approves Thursday and Friday. But I've got some stuff to keep me busy. People to babysit me. A meal plan to get back to.

People, this isn't fun. I'm not a happy camper. I need a time out in so many ways...figures it has to be right when I'm supposed to be getting back in the game. Yep, I was warned.

Ready...or not

It's been an okay weekend for me. I was determined on Friday to get through the weekend following my meal plan, not skipping meals or snacks, eating appropriate amounts of food at appropriate times. And I kind of did.

But I'm not really feeling 100% good about it. I don't know if I blew my meal plan because of my eating disorder thinking...or because I'm like 99% of the other American women who are always freaking out about what they eat.

Saturday night, I ate a couple granola bars...after I'd had dinner and popcorn. I couldn't think of a reason why I needed to eat them (like something emotional I was trying to stuff down), but I certainly wasn't hungry. I kind of got that rush that comes on when you start to stuff your face and can't get it in fast enough. Then I felt guilty...but didn't purge.

So is that normal? Was I engaging in eating disorder thoughts and behavior?

Today at a party, I did quite well at the buffet. One plate. Went back for two carrots and two crackers. Then someone brought truffles. I had two truffles and another piece of candy...and then I couldn't stop thinking about eating more. And I couldn't stop thinking that I wouldn't be able to eat for the rest of the day because I'd just had the sweets. Now that, I think, is probably my eating disorder. I know it is. I don't want to purge, but I'd like to restrict. But I know I shouldn't because it will get me nothing. Nothing but frustration and a binge tomorrow night. And I don't want that. I really don't. I want to just be normal for a bit and not have to think about whether every bite that goes into my mouth is because of some screwed up thinking pattern.

I'm not ready for the real world. But I am. But I'm not. And the time's getting closer and I wonder if I'm prepared? Am I really? How can I tell? What happens when I slip? Shit.