I need to write something tonight, but I'm just not sure what. I've been toying with the idea of calling one of my therapists. I know I'm not doing well. But what would I say? "Hi, this is Jen. I'm feeling exceptionally fragile tonight and rather under medicated. Any tips for staying present and not purging?"
Actually, no purging today. I did enough of that last night. Why? Because yesterday morning I fit into and bought two pairs of size 10 jeans. That makes no sense. I know that. But what makes sense? What about my life makes any sense right now?
Someone asked me if I'd turn back the clock and do the gastric bypass again. I don't know. At least when I was really fat it made sense to be miserable. And I could eat without purging. I could gain weight and no one would notice. I could live my eating disorder without it interfering with my life.
Maybe that's the problem. This damn eating disorder is interfering. In every way imaginable. From the moment I wake in the morning to when I go to bed at night--even in my dreams. Every night. Dreams of buffets that run out of food. Dreams of rotten food slopped on trays. Dreams of college meal cards running out of money just when I've loaded my plate with the most decadent chocolate cake.
This shitty eating disorder is affecting my relationships (I lie to hide it), my job (cookbook editor, WTF?!?), my health (sore throat from puking), my cats (because they are furry pillows to cry on), my heating bill (holed up with the thermostat cranked.) Damn.
I feel like everything I learned in program is out the window. I KNOW what I learned, but I feel helpless. I can't tap into it. It's at my fingertips, but out of reach.
In some ways, I feel worse than I did before treatment. Now I know how fucked up I am. I rather enjoyed the blissful ignorance of living my ED with abandon and joy. Whatever.
I hate 2007. What a sucky ass year. And tonight. Tonight it's not feeling like 2008 will be much better.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
No Name Post
Posted by JUST JEN at 7:59 PM
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9 comments:
You cannot turn back the clock. I am a stupid jerk for even suggesting such. Longing for the past makes today so much harder to bear. Please don't succumb to self-loathing and self-pity. I almost did once, and you helped me out of it.
You know, you can't undo what's been done, but you can look forward with hope.
I wish you peace and acceptance in the New Year. Good luck, know that there are people out there pulling for you.
Gotta say I totally related to this:
"In some ways, I feel worse than I did before treatment. Now I know how fucked up I am."
I was in that place during my therapy -- I had no idea beforehand that I would get worse before I got better, and when I figured that out, it seriously 1) pissed me off; 2) made me even more horrifically depressed.
I understand the higher heating bill, too: there I was, in a fetal position (which was hard to achieve at 280 pounds), in a corner of my studio apartment's walk-in closet, with a very loyal cat curled anxiously around my head, fur wet from my tears.
You'll find your way out, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't royally, painfully, horribly suck in the meantime.
Keep writing, keep blogging. And why NOT call one of your therapists? God knows I did -- one of 'em ended up giving me away at my wedding about 10 years later. (Now, *that* was a scenario I never could have imagined at the time.)
Hugs.
Why not call your therapist? I did that more than once, in a situation with an addiction plus depression. I admire your honesty in your blog. -Rose
I don't think there is a thing wrong with calling your therapist. Isn't that what they're there for? From where I'm sitting, it doesn't appear to me that everything you learned went "out the window." Each time you even attempt to pick yourself up is at least a small success in practicing how you choose be caring for yourself. The fact that you see the differences in your behavior, past vs. present, is evidence of just how far you've come... you've just not made it all the way yet. That being said, this is most likely a fight you'll always have to think about at least in a small way. Hang in there.
I am new to your blog. I appreciate your honesty here, please know that we are listening.
Call your therapist, that is why they get the big bucks.
I hope you're okay, Jen.
Oh Jen. In 2008 I wish for you the gift of self-acceptance. It is so difficult though. I struggle with it myself. We are who we are and you are right, we cannot turn back the clock but we do have some power in how it moves ahead.
All the best.
M
Oh Jen. I can feel your pain through your words. I wish for you the gift of self-acceptance. We are who we are and have been but we have some choice in who we become. You are right, we cannot turn back the clock but we do have some options with the time ahead. All the best in 2008. There will be gifts in it for you.
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