This food thing

Good days. Bad days.

My scale is now living comfortably in the Wauwatosa office of my therapist. I've vowed not to buy another or to even visit the "scale department" of ANY store. (I have no shame: I will stand on a scale ina store if I need a fix.)

I've been mailing my meal plan to my nutritionist. Some days I follow it. Some days I don't. This weekend was difficult since my 10-year-old niece was with me and I pretty much ate junk food all weekend. By Sunday, the guilt got to me and I began purging. Yesterday I had great intentions...though the emotional shift from the weekend didn't sit so well with my soul and I ended up eating more than necessary (and purging.)

When I get back from my retreat on the 8th, I'm calling to make an appointment to see my gastric bypass surgeon for my third year check-up. Despite the last 18 months of increasing eating disorder thought and behaviors, my weight is probably what it was a year ago. By his standards, that's success.

I figure the best I can do is just try. I wake up every morning grateful for a new day and another opportunity to try again. Today...I have a feeling it's going to be a good one. In fact, here's my meal plan:

Breakfast: yogurt, banana, whole wheat English muffin
Morning snack: apple, cheese
Lunch: tilapia, rice and carrots
Afternoon snack: Vivanno from Sbux (protein, fruit and dairy)
Dinner: hot pocket & cherries
Dinner 2: lunch leftovers or veggie burger and carrots

I give myself permission to switch my snacks, depending on the schedule. But I've found that the new Starbucks Vivanno Orange Mango Banana Smoothie is a very smart choice: filling and full of protein and all the other things I need to eat. I'm having a heavier lunch since tonight I have Connect2Reflect meditation from 6-8. (If you're in the Milwaukee area, stop by!)

Wish me luck!

Standing on the edge, trying not to jump

I am fighting. I am doing most everything I can to get through this particular spot. I feel trapped, defeated, like a failure. I feel fat and ugly.

I've gained weight.

Not just a pound or two. Let's say 13 pounds.

I feel like everyone in the world can see what I've been feeling: tight clothes, squishy gut, flabby skin.

I feel even worse because that 13 pounds is from my baseline weight...not the low weight I was in very early June. Put it together and it's more than 20 pounds difference.

I see how it happened: my body starved; my appetite returned; my body held on to whatever it could get; I ate whatever I wanted because for those few weeks I could eat nothing.

I am miserable. I am fighting the urge to restrict and binge at the same time: what does it matter, my brain asks.

I wanted to blow off my appointment with my nutritionist on Thursday, but didn't. I guess I knew I needed a reality check. Now I email her my meal plan for each day. And then I try my hardest to actually follow it. I try. I try. It's all I can do.

But the fact is, I still feel like a failure. I know I'm not. I never regained that 10-20% most RNY patients do. And I have every intention not to.

So there it is. I am standing on the edge, trying not to jump and trying to fight the torrential winds at my back. Shaky ground.

How I celebrated...

...meditation in a neighborhood park as the sun rose
...coffee
...road trip to Madison
...sage & citrus bath bombs
...caramel corn and a hotdog
...leisurely hours on the UW terrace overlooking the lake
...buttons: cupcake, Eiffel Tower, 4, 1
...yarn
...prayer
...loud music
...phone calls from friends and family
...gratitude

If today is your birthday...

A sampling. Any others to share?

By Sally Brompton (NY POST)

Do something different over the coming 12 months, something that reignites the passion you once had for life. Think back to those days when you honestly believed that all things were possible. What you wanted to do then is what you should be doing now.

By Holiday Mathis (LA TIMES)

You have imagined a certain path, but perhaps haven't considered a second or third alternate that might satisfy you even more. Open your mind to new versions of your future.

By THE WEATHER CHANNEL

Abundant sunshine.

By BELIEFNET

You may feel braver than usual because you are attracted now to the idea of being different. You aren't worried about what others might think or say; someone else's judgment won't hold you back as much as it would some other time in your life. This is your chance; go ahead and be the non-conformist that you secretly want to be, even if it's just for a day.

By Linda Black (CHICAGO TRIBUNE)

You'll have an excellent memory this year, and the ability to solve complicated puzzles. Is there some way you can turn these skills into money? There is. Give it some thought.

By THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD

Venus, the sociable planet, puts you in the thick of the action. The air buzzes with ideas and you want to be part of dynamic projects that hold promise of future fame or fortune. Balance idealism with realism.

Follow-up: she said/she said WLS experience

I'm glad I took the time to write to the nurse from this recent post.

I was able to share my experience with her, including the gamut of my emotions and my extreme reaction. She, in turn, explained further what she was trying to say and, I hope, walked away with a better understanding of how her words impacted me.

I feel good about the situation. Honesty can be such a sweet air freshener.

Number Game

I still have that scale in my house...the one I bought when I wasn't eating because of my meds.

The numbers have gone up. I know that the weight I lost to get to the adult low-point was really because of DEHYDRATION and STARVATION from when my meds were screwed up in May/June and I wasn't eating. I know that the weight I've gained is making up for that. And because of the binging that happened as a result of the starvation.

So what about the higher number? I can't say I like it. But I don't hate myself because of it. In fact, I'm pretty much okay with where it is when I think about the big picture. I've not regained any weight from my gastric bypass. I think I probably weigh a few pounds less than I did a year ago. And given the cycles of binging/purging/restricting I've put myself through, that's good. In fact, that's really, really good.

Do I want to weigh less? Hell, YES! Am I going to starve myself to drop the five pounds I think I NEED to lose? No. No, I'm not. Because this latest cycle has really proven to me that what goes down unnaturally will go up inevitably.

I feel the weight difference. But I don't think anyone notices it. In fact, a few people have said I look healthy. (Maybe it's the tan.) I just feel bloated and my shorts feel snug. But I don't really feel like a hippo. I don't really feel like I'm a fat pig. I think I feel...glad.

Glad that I understand better why I do fall into my ED cycles. Glad that I can stop them before they become extreme. Glad that I finally understand the ramifications of each restriction, binge or purge.

I haven't purged in three weeks. I haven't restricted since that drug interaction thingy. I've binged. But in a different way. I stopped. I acknowledged that what I was shoving in my mouth wasn't going to fill the empty space I was trying to ease. I understood that my eating wasn't nutritional, just emotional. And from that point, the decision to binge or not was truly my own.

So although I "binged" yesterday, I didn't eat through all the food I could have. I didn't vomit. I didn't restrict today. I chalked it up to emotional chaos and thanked the heavens for a calmer day today.

The numbers on the scale, I'm sure, aren't going to slide down anytime soon. I'm not 2-months post-op anymore. I think I have the same 5 pounds most middle-aged women have. More importantly though, I don't feel like the number HAS to change in order for me to be happy. I can take it or leave it. Today anyway. And that's a good distance from where I was a year ago.

Retreat! Retreat!

I've booked my retreat-slash-vacation. In three weeks, I'm heading to Sedona for a week at the Sedona Summit Resort. I've booked 5 intensive days of sessions with Sedona Soul Adventures, a group that personalizes an individual retreat for you based on your current needs.

My list of sessions includes: Power Spot Meditation, Iridology Reading, Shamanic Astrology, emotional Clearing, Sacred Ceremony at a Vortex, Breathwork, Bodywork/Energy work, Intuitive Gifts & Abilities, Soul Source Union and Intuitive Integration.

Yes, it does sound quite "new agey", but it also feels like exactly what I need. Exactly.

And while I'm out there, I just might look for a job. I could stand to live in beauty 24/7.

Say it ain't so: a recent WLS experience

I had to sit with this experience for a bit before I could write about it. Here's the deal...

Last week I attended a support group through my bariatric surgeon's office for people who are 1+ years out from gastric bypass/banding surgeries. I go infrequently, as I sometimes feel very disconnected from that community, especially since I've been meeting my eating disorder issues head on. But I needed the fellowship. I needed some support. I want to feel like I made a good decision to have the surgery (which I do) and that I'm doing everything possible to make it a success.

This particular meeting, the topic came up around nutrition. What to eat, what not to eat, etc. I have worked very, very hard the last 8 months or so to get rid of my food fears and to return to a balanced eating plan that incorporates all food groups in appropriate ratios to fuel my body. It's difficult for me to "buy into" the bariatric stance held by many people that protein should be the majority of your calories, especially since I have had to adjust this belief myself and move on to a different one. I get edgy and have to learn to accept that other people's nutritional needs may not be my own and that we all follow our own bariatric program.

The regular facilitator wasn't there for this conversation. Instead, one of the nurses ran the group. I have really liked this woman since I first met her at one of the pre-surgery seminars. She's down to earth and, having had RNY herself, understands much of what we patients go through. So when she said that we really don't need to eat carbs to survive, I was floored. She's a nurse! How can you not need carbs? Sure, screw the white bread and sugar doughnuts. But
fruits? vegetables?

The conversation continued with people wondering what kinds of proteins they can have if they don't want to eat meat for breakfast. C'mon! We were all 1+ year out from surgery. We had all been to the program's nutritionist for several sessions before and after surgery. So, I offered yogurt as an option. The response: that's so high in carbs!

Frustrated. Fragile. Unwilling to have to explain why I'm trying to eat the way I am. I actually got up and left the meeting. I couldn't deal with the conversation. I needed to protect my personal nutrition beliefs and meal plan as best I could or I'd never, ever get back to healthy eating. It felt that black and white. I felt that desperate to NOT be a part of the conversation.

On one hand, I'm so disappointed that I didn't get the support that I needed from the meeting. In fact, I felt more alienated and alone. I'm also disappointed to hear this information spoken as truth by a medical professional. Maybe I am wrong. Or rather, maybe I was right: carbs are evil. In which case, I'll never eat another potato, slice of bread or cracker again. But for now, I HAVE to eat those things in appropriate amounts and proportions at appropriate times.

I probably won't go back to a meeting. I need to move away from the rigidity of the immediate post-op nutrition plan. I need figure out a way to eat for the rest of my life. And, while the conversation about nutrition might not always be on the table during these meetings, the mindset is always present and, to me, pervasive.

Now 2 years and 11 months out from my surgery, I am at the point where the surgery is not the defining factor of my life. It's part of it. It is not who I am. I am Just Jen. If I let my status as a gastric bypass patient define me, I might as well hang accept that I am a fat ass. Or that I'm a food freak. Or that...[fill in the blank].

I feel very disconnected from the bariatric surgery community. I don't need to be connected to this community per se. But it saddens me that my experience won't fully be a part of it. In this particular circle, the story of the middle-aged woman who went from compulsive eating to surgical anorexia to bulimia will be lost. Not that my story is all the important or unique. But there just doesn't seem to be room for it in the rosy world of many post-ops. And I think there should be.

worth writing? dunno.

I feel obligated to post. I watch the numbers on my site counter click higher, yet nothing has changed much on this page.

I've been busy. Doing mind and soul things. Living. Moving. Sunning. Crocheting. Even reading.

Avoiding labels, I call myself just me these days and try hard to not focus on what's been assigned: eating disordered, depressed, unemployed. States not self. And letting my self succumb to those states is going to make for a miserable life. I'm sick of misery. I think misery is the fear and anticipation of the worst, not even really the recognition of what might be bad at the moment. If I live in the present moment, there's not possibility of misery.

Now. Understanding the present moment. That phrase is tossed about easily. It's catchy. Intriguing. Sounds like it must be good. But understanding it, I'm finding, is a whole different game. I think we each have our own presence defined by our own time. For me, when I'm present, I feel the earth under my body and my mind connected to both. Right here and now. That's my understanding. That's my experience.

However. I fight those trips down memory lane and excursions into 'what if.' It's easy for me to think: a year ago I was...last week I...it's been three years since. If I always return to the past, how can I be happy here? And, conversely, if I'm always thinking next week...next job...next time...I'm going to miss out on now.

I know. Blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before. But I'm learning that if I don't remind myself daily, I will forget. My life is my own version of the movie "50 First Dates." Nothing wrong with that. I'm just relieved that I finally figured it out. I don't have to be so surprised when I find myself back at the beginning, my mind blank. It's just where I start. At least I recognize this.

Progress

Sober for 2 weeks. Feels like 20 years.

Working on the meal plan. This week: pick a protein and build a meal around it. Plus, eat 6 times a day, protein 4 times, drink water, variety. And self-care. I am trying to prepare meals here and there.

I feel like carbs have regained control in my life. When my taste was wonky from the dopamax, I could only tolerate starchy things like crackers and pretzels and bread. And, thanks to the reprogramming from ED treatment, I now have no problem eating them. Except I feel like I can't stop.

That scares me. That's pre-surgery behavior. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to weigh 300+ pounds again. I just want to rely on food for nourishment. Not as my babysitter, best friend or parent.

So I try to look at every bit as a new choice. If it goes in, it's got to stay in. No purging. And that makes me ask: do I want this substance in me? Sometimes, I don't care. Bring on the sugar carb god and let me worship at the altar of gluttony. And other times, it forces me to reach for a banana instead of a granola bar. Carrots instead of pretzels.

I still have the scale in my house. I'm not on it daily. Although, the weight I lost when I wasn't eating from the meds is now back. And that makes me judge myself. That's the ED talking. No one else tells me I look fatter. And honestly, I don't think I do look that much fatter. WHOA! Was that a breakthrough statement? Dang. I think I actually believe it.

Here's another little point of progress: tank tops. Yep, I have been seen in public without on overshirt. And I have some muscle definition that I think is more noticeable than the wrinkled skin, especially when I'm not flopping the appendages in the wind.Plus, the tank tops show off my great tan.

I'm holding on to these little things. Eventually, I know they'll all add up to me. A whole me. A healthy me. A happy me.

Only an Expert

I forgot how much I love Laurie Anderson. She speaks the truth, scary as it may be. I saw her live back in the very early '90s. She's still hot. A little older. But hot.

Thank you, Steven, for sending the link.