I feel obligated to post. I watch the numbers on my site counter click higher, yet nothing has changed much on this page.
I've been busy. Doing mind and soul things. Living. Moving. Sunning. Crocheting. Even reading.
Avoiding labels, I call myself just me these days and try hard to not focus on what's been assigned: eating disordered, depressed, unemployed. States not self. And letting my self succumb to those states is going to make for a miserable life. I'm sick of misery. I think misery is the fear and anticipation of the worst, not even really the recognition of what might be bad at the moment. If I live in the present moment, there's not possibility of misery.
Now. Understanding the present moment. That phrase is tossed about easily. It's catchy. Intriguing. Sounds like it must be good. But understanding it, I'm finding, is a whole different game. I think we each have our own presence defined by our own time. For me, when I'm present, I feel the earth under my body and my mind connected to both. Right here and now. That's my understanding. That's my experience.
However. I fight those trips down memory lane and excursions into 'what if.' It's easy for me to think: a year ago I was...last week I...it's been three years since. If I always return to the past, how can I be happy here? And, conversely, if I'm always thinking next week...next job...next time...I'm going to miss out on now.
I know. Blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before. But I'm learning that if I don't remind myself daily, I will forget. My life is my own version of the movie "50 First Dates." Nothing wrong with that. I'm just relieved that I finally figured it out. I don't have to be so surprised when I find myself back at the beginning, my mind blank. It's just where I start. At least I recognize this.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Monday, July 07, 2008
worth writing? dunno.
Posted by JUST JEN at 5:53 AM
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4 comments:
You have stripped away everything that you felt needed to be gotten rid of and now those are memories. Memories are not something to forget, many times they help us get to point "B". Living in the here and now is all you seem to be able to handle. You have gotten exactly what you wanted and now have to decide if it was all worth it. Misery likes company. You get the good with the bad. Maybe the "what if's" are arising because you are realizing that maybe you made to fast and solid decisions before taking time, weeks or months to really make the decision. You were in a very bad state for quite some time with your hospital visits and now your body and mind are finally catching up with each other. It does not hurt to go back and see if there is anything left from your memories that is worth revisiting or rebuilding into new memories. Nothing will ever be the same. That you know. Just take it slow. Take care of you.
Anonymous [who I think is Rose, based ont he time stamp and referring URL], you don't get it. I'm not going back. I don't regret a thing I've done. I didn't act too quickly. You write as if you're holding onto hope. Don't. The past can't create new memories. Only the present. There's nothing wrong with memories...they just aren't LIFE. Living in the here and now is all anyone has to handle.
It's "worth writing," if you are getting anything from it. Are you?
Your journey on "blog" or paper would be immensely beneficial to others either now - future - whenever.
Stay strong.
(:
Just to clarify, my name is not Rose. I am Kathy and have read your blog for a long time and have followed your story. It saddens me to see how you struggle, but also makes me smile to see how resiliant you are. Did not mean to offend you, you know what you are doing and what you can handle which is the here and now. Memories work different for diffent people. I only revisit them to smile. I get the impression your memories may have lots of pain. So, the present is good.
I have 3 kids and watch my eldest go through eating issues and you have given me hope that she might be able to learn from people like you.
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