I am fighting. I am doing most everything I can to get through this particular spot. I feel trapped, defeated, like a failure. I feel fat and ugly.
I've gained weight.
Not just a pound or two. Let's say 13 pounds.
I feel like everyone in the world can see what I've been feeling: tight clothes, squishy gut, flabby skin.
I feel even worse because that 13 pounds is from my baseline weight...not the low weight I was in very early June. Put it together and it's more than 20 pounds difference.
I see how it happened: my body starved; my appetite returned; my body held on to whatever it could get; I ate whatever I wanted because for those few weeks I could eat nothing.
I am miserable. I am fighting the urge to restrict and binge at the same time: what does it matter, my brain asks.
I wanted to blow off my appointment with my nutritionist on Thursday, but didn't. I guess I knew I needed a reality check. Now I email her my meal plan for each day. And then I try my hardest to actually follow it. I try. I try. It's all I can do.
But the fact is, I still feel like a failure. I know I'm not. I never regained that 10-20% most RNY patients do. And I have every intention not to.
So there it is. I am standing on the edge, trying not to jump and trying to fight the torrential winds at my back. Shaky ground.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Standing on the edge, trying not to jump
Posted by JUST JEN at 10:01 AM
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3 comments:
Jen. 13 lbs in the frame of time though? I gained SIX in three days. Post RNY bodies are weird. We have glue in our bellies, I swear.
Hang on.
I don't know if this will help (probably not), but I so get both this kind of gain and the emotions that are coming up for you.
I've been going through my own head weirdness over gains, and doing that same kind of "and that's not even calculating from the lowest weight I hit ..." panic. Me, too -- and in theory I don't have the same ED. In some ways you're more normal than you think.
Breathe. It feels crazy-making, I know, as do the feelings themselves.
Breathe.
Beth & Alison, I'm so glad you two check in on me. Thanks.
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