Signs

Someday I may look back at this post and be able to smile at how far I've come since I wrote it. I guess you could call that hope.

The details of the last days of 2007 are painful, disappointing, depressing. I'm not going to revisit them, mostly because I don't want another onslaught of phone calls "checking in" from people who only marginally care. And because, why relive what I didn't even want to live the first time?

Although today was a new day, a new year, a new opportunity, I certainly didn't make much of it. Tomorrow, another chance. The structure of work, the commitments to appointments and other people...those may get me back on track. Or, they could at least help.

The actual navigating and movement must come from within. That I know. I don't trust it. I don't feel the strength. But since I know it is truth, then I must have a part of me--buried deep, hibernating, hiding--that is capable and worthy of such a journey. I wish the scaly self-doubt would fall from my eyes and I could see the signs pointing me to myself. I'm sure they must be in front of me. Obvious. Bold. I just can't see them.

So tonight. More choices. And I must admit that the ones I entertain are not the ones I ought to. But until that moment of action comes, my choice between right and wrong, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy remains unknown. Anticipated for certain. But not a firm commitment. I should be okay with that. Living in the gray.