It's been an okay weekend for me. I was determined on Friday to get through the weekend following my meal plan, not skipping meals or snacks, eating appropriate amounts of food at appropriate times. And I kind of did.
But I'm not really feeling 100% good about it. I don't know if I blew my meal plan because of my eating disorder thinking...or because I'm like 99% of the other American women who are always freaking out about what they eat.
Saturday night, I ate a couple granola bars...after I'd had dinner and popcorn. I couldn't think of a reason why I needed to eat them (like something emotional I was trying to stuff down), but I certainly wasn't hungry. I kind of got that rush that comes on when you start to stuff your face and can't get it in fast enough. Then I felt guilty...but didn't purge.
So is that normal? Was I engaging in eating disorder thoughts and behavior?
Today at a party, I did quite well at the buffet. One plate. Went back for two carrots and two crackers. Then someone brought truffles. I had two truffles and another piece of candy...and then I couldn't stop thinking about eating more. And I couldn't stop thinking that I wouldn't be able to eat for the rest of the day because I'd just had the sweets. Now that, I think, is probably my eating disorder. I know it is. I don't want to purge, but I'd like to restrict. But I know I shouldn't because it will get me nothing. Nothing but frustration and a binge tomorrow night. And I don't want that. I really don't. I want to just be normal for a bit and not have to think about whether every bite that goes into my mouth is because of some screwed up thinking pattern.
I'm not ready for the real world. But I am. But I'm not. And the time's getting closer and I wonder if I'm prepared? Am I really? How can I tell? What happens when I slip? Shit.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Ready...or not
Posted by JUST JEN at 6:40 PM
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2 comments:
oh honey,
sing it! i am struggling with so much the same stuff. on one hand, "i'm just sticking to my plan" and on another "i'm a good girl! i'm starving all the time" - oh so eating disorder thinking. it's hard, painful, and just feels never ending. i have a good shrink, who specializes in eating disorders, and i've seen her since my lapband and prior to that, had seen her before. i have someone to 'right me' but still, it is maddening how it is so easy to fall back into those patterns. my thoughts are with you - and here's the advice i try to give myself:
- overall, look at the big picture, you're eating really fucking well.
- most people eat way shittier than you do.
- you love yourself more than this, jenn (this self-talk/advice things works out great since we have the same name).
But again, i get it. hang in there!
Jen. What scares me most about this whole thing you're dealing with(and I think you already know this)that so many of us are *this close* to a full fledged ED after WLS. I think we're so on to something.
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