For many reasons. Just hard. They tell me that any transition in treatment is stressful and chances of relapse increase. Go ahead, just push me over the edge and see what happens.
The anxiety today was overwhelming. Not sure why. Ok. I know why. Not going there. Because when I did, I purged. Not putting fingers down my throat kind of purge, but "swallowing hard in a weird kind of way within 15 minutes of eating very dense food to bring it back up the esophagus" kind of way. Eating disorder, nonetheless. And it was at treatment.
Today I feel like I've got a war waging inside of me. Lord knows who's winning. Doesn't feel like me. Just so much stuff tangled up in my head...it's hard to get out of it.
I'm not in program Tuesday or Wednesday this week. Waiting to hear if insurance approves Thursday and Friday. But I've got some stuff to keep me busy. People to babysit me. A meal plan to get back to.
People, this isn't fun. I'm not a happy camper. I need a time out in so many ways...figures it has to be right when I'm supposed to be getting back in the game. Yep, I was warned.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Difficult day
Posted by JUST JEN at 9:23 PM
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1 comment:
jen,
i just read backwards (which i hadn't done before my last comment) and oh my, what a struggle. i'm so sorry for all you've been going through; at the same time, from the outside looking in, i can see all of the doors just about to open for you. it all piles up, these changes, and it sucks but on the other side, it can be amazing.
my wife of 7 years left me 1 month after my WLS. i hated going it alone, but in the end i don't think i'd be where i am if we were still together. and i like me a lot more now than then. anyhow, drop me a line anytime, if there's anything i can do...
oh, and i don't know if you read my blog ever (she shrinks), but i've been doing Bikram yoga. It's been crazy and good for me physically (i'm so much stronger!) and mentally (focus, intention, quieting your mind...). It's also 90 minutes long, and frankly, kills a serious amount of time doing something good for yourself. I know they have it in Atlanta. Email if it interests you at all and I can tell you more (or my blog can) :)
keep at it. you're fantastic, and you're peeling back the onion to find the real you more and more each day...
xoxo
jenn
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