Pigging Out.

At least that's what it feels like. I saw my OP nutritionist yesterday. She has a pretty good handle on post-op WLS people who have eating disorders. So I know that I should TRUST MY SUPPORT TEAM and listen to what she offers.

Well, yesterday she said I need to increase my calories. To 1800 a day. GULP. That's too many! Too much food! Too much time spent eating! I DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT MUCH!

I KNOW that a woman of my age, size and activity needs 1800 calories a day to maintain weight. But I want to LOSE weight. I am NOT at my goal weight. I still have lots of jiggly fat in my stomach. There's no way it's going anywhere if I don't eat fewer calories.

I thought I was doing well at 1200 calories. That's 3 meals and 3 or 4 snacks a day. Now I need to eat 3 meals and 4-5 snacks a day...all with more calories. Every two hours, something must go in my mouth and it may not return past my lips of my own volition.

I feel like having to eat SO MUCH, SO OFTEN is going to lead me to binging. What if I can't stop eating? What if I eat my way back to triple hundred. Crap.

But I've got to try. I've got to TRUST MY BODY. I've got to GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Anne gave me a new form to use for planning and tracking meals. I'm trying to match time, calories and exchanges, first planning the night before the following day. Then, the next day, filling in what I actually do eat and when. Of course, I had to recreate it in Excel so it's all pretty and computer friendly. That made me feel better.

Lunch is in 45 minutes. Sandwich. Apple. Going to go psych myself up for the feast.