I've committed myself to several things this weekend and they will require my clear-headed attention and presence. And I can't back out of them. Nor should I. I've just got to figure out a safe plan to get from point A to point B in one sober, non-purgative (is that a word?), functioning state of being despite a raging organic depression and the painful awareness that it remains untreated by the handfuls of drugs Mr. Dr. has me on.
Sigh.
My hope (see, I still have hope) is to be able to fire Mr. Dr. by Wednesday and hire Mr. Dr. II who will at least converse directly with my therapist and not assume that all things evil in my psyche are rooted in an eating disorder.
This morning: shower, brush teeth, dress, serve yogurt to the women's group. Do not purge. Do not stop at liquor store on the way home.
This afternoon: get a new cell phone. Buy a dessert for evening function. Do not purge. Do not stop at liquor store on the way home.
This evening: deliver dessert, give inspiring speech to young people of faith.. Do not purge. Do not stop at liquor store on the way home.
Tomorrow morning: shower, brush teeth, dress, perform official duties for young people of faith. Do not purge. Do not stop at liquor store on the way home. Crash. Mission completed.
Now that's not so bad, is it? I can do that, right?
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
The Weekend Plan
Posted by JUST JEN at 5:45 AM
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3 comments:
Thinking of you as you go through your day. I have a couple "Do not stop at's" and "Do not do X's" of my own today.
Somehow I need to view them as loving safety lines that I've chosen to put in place for myself rather than prohibitions that my own disorders have made necessary.
It's about reclaiming power I may not ever have even known I had.
Good. Scary. Both. Blech ... :)
xo
Jen,
Hello! I’ve desired to write you for some time and I thought the one post I made the other day would do it but I‘m desiring to say something more. I found your blog in January though I wonder if my comment here or my previous one is even welcome. I imagine a person who maintains a blog doesn’t do so with the intention of generating answers to their issues. I may be just another person arrogant enough to think they can tell you something you haven’t heard before (or something you’re even interested in hearing). Hee. Call me arrogant then because here I am writing and intending to speak to you anyway. As much as I don’t want to irritate or impose on you I cannot keep silent because when I read what you write I feel a fire rise up within me and I long to reach out to you with compassion and friendship. And I do think I have something to tell you that you have not heard before.
You say on your blog that you are trying to convince yourself that being just Jen is enough. Has anyone ever told you that its not? And I don’t say that to be cruel or to try and contradict your counselors or to reinforce and embolden every negative voice or perception inside your head. Its just the truth. You are not enough. (Just so we’re clear I am also not enough. No one walking this planet is enough.) And beating your eating disorders and everything else you’re struggling against…it’s the same thing. You can’t do it. Its impossible. Has it ever occurred to you (or has anyone ever told you) that this is by design? And if it is by design then there is for you to feel guilt and shame at your failures and short comings. This IS NOT your fault.
You’ve mentioned church so I’m sure you about Christ. (Yeah, that is pretty much what this comment is about though being trite and corny doesn’t make Him anything less than what He is- and He is the answer.)
You may or may not have heard that sin is a Greek word- an archery term that means ’missing the mark.’ This is true but somewhat superficial. Sin is grievous to God because God is pure, perfect, and holy and sin is reprehensible and offensive to Him. Sin is self on the throne (ie- ruling or governing position) of one’s life. In other words, you being in control of you. When you are in control it is all about you: your wants (be them good or bad) your desires, your dreams, your addictions (regardless if they’re esteemed as good or bad.) Your eating disorder (and I’m not just talking about the bulimia but the food addiction that enabled you to become so overweight to need a gastric bypass in the first place) is sin, yes, but a sin that is the fruit of something deeper within you. Perhaps its something as simple (though no less heinous in the eyes of God) than a clinging to your own will, fulfilling the lust of your flesh. These addictions (also known as lust, desires) can ensnare us and drain us of anything and everything joyful in this life and burden us with condemnation and shame. These chains cannot be broken by singing, church going, (or by surgery, anti-depressants, support groups, or outpatient therapy programs) but by Christ alone. Striving apart from Christ is not only futile and exhausting but also legalism. Do you know what legalism really is? Self effort. A person trying to live for God within their own means, independent of His power. If the power of sin could be broken by our own means then it wasn’t necessary for Jesus to come and die on the cross. And if Jesus’ sacrifice wasn’t necessary- if we could be freed by any other means- then God was a cruel murderer. But God isn’t cruel and Jesus did not die in vain. Freedom is possible. Deliverance is possible.
The essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is salvation- not just from hell but from the power of sin in our lives. One cannot go out and just chose to live and do right and be pure and perfect and holy. Its no more possible than it is for one to cure himself of cancer. We need a savior. We need grace. And as I said on my previous comment grace isn’t just forgiveness. Nor is it a license to keep on screwing up because we cannot help ourselves. Grace is forgiveness and mercy but it is also God’s empowerment to free us from the things that ensnare us and power (His power) to transform us and enable us to actually go and live a different kind of life. This isn’t independent of our will- God could have made us to be like robots without a will to automatically follow Him without question but what is the value in that? He gave us a will and a mind that could feel and weigh and consider and then choose to follow Him. Would you be shocked to hear me say God is pro-choice? (Hee. I think I opened a huge can or worms with that statement!) He is! So why would we chose Him? I can’t answer this for you. If you’re intrigued or stirred by anything I’ve said then go to God yourself seek Him. He tells us in the book of Isaiah that He would not tell us to seek Him if He couldn’t be found. And on a closing note, when temptation comes don’t just grit you teeth, sit on your hands, and just try not do it whatever ‘it‘ is in that moment. Cry out to God, throw yourself upon Him, ask to be saved from whatever it is. Don’t worry about forever in those moments. Sin is still sin but if you are in Christ it no longer has dominion over you- because of Christ. Because of grace. There is no amount of memorizing or doing to make this happen or bring this about. Just faith. And faith, like muscle needs to be exercised. Satan and flesh will try to squat on your property once they’ve been evicted if you don’t stand up and remind them to vamoose!
Jen, I wish you well. I do pray for you and would like to be your friend if you want me and not so I can ’preach’ to you, mind you but to just be a friend. How awkwardly this is worded! How does one offer themselves in friendship without condition? Just know that my hand if extended out to you if you chose to take it, in friendship. And not so I can strong arm you or try to convince you in some certain mentally but to be just as I’ve offered- a friend.
Finis.
Cindy Poe
Cindy, if you'd like to contact me, please follow the email link on the front page of my blog. I have no way of responding personally to your posts on my blog. Jen
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