The Real Me

One thing that appeals to me about blogging is the anonymity of it. I can basically be whoever I want on this page. Some people have asked if the Shrinking Violet photo is really me. No, it's not. It's some cool pic I lifted off another site. This is a photo of me, posing for the camera at work.

Some days the real me is what I think a skinny person would be like. I don't compulsively think about food. I don't use food to fill an emptiness. I don't punish myself for eating/not eating. It's what I want my normal to be like.

But most days I feel fat and helpless and at the mercy of food. I think about food more than my significant other. I spend more time planning my meals than I do planning my work. And I get pissy because my head wants more than my stomach can handle.

It irritates me how much I let my surroundings, my acquaintances, my circumstances control my food. I'm not saying that as an excuse. What I mean is that if I'm pissed at my boss and feeling out of control in a situation, I let myself get that way with food. If I'm feeling bored and anxious, I calm myself with food. If I'm frustrated and fed up, I feed myself. I know none of these things are the agents for my destructive eating. But I obviously haven't yet learned how to cope with it--what really maeks me not face upt to my emotions.

When I picture myself, I see my reflection in a McDonald's window. Fat chick with tartar sauce dripping off her chin because she can't get that Filet o Fish stuffed in her face fast enough. Even though I can't eat that stuff now, I still long for it. And I want to protect that fat chick smothered in tartar sauce. Because basically she's probably a pretty cool person who just doesn't like herself enough on the inside. So maybe if the outside changes, the inside will follow.