It's been a month since I've seen my weight on a scale. Okay, kind of. I did peek at the hospital last week, but I don't know if what I saw was right or not.
Anyway.
I think I'm probably hanging around 163. I know I'm not really gaining or losing significant amounts because if I were, the doctor, nurse and nutritionist would be on me in a heartbeat.
Some days I want to go to Linens 'n' Things and step on a scale. But I don't. There was one at my sister-in-law's house on Thanksgiving. But it was late in the afternoon, I had eaten all day and I was fully clothed. Too much of a hassle.
Last night I dreamed I was at the hospital and they were trying to get me to change into a gown or some weird thing. I was freaking out and this nurse was running after me because I wanted to use a bathroom and they wouldn't let me. So as I ran down this hall, I saw a huge scale in an alcove. I jumped on it and the numbers zoomed up and down, up and down...just like they do on The Biggest Loser. And then the flippin' scale errored out. Just a flashing red light. The nurse said, OKAY, c'mon. And I stepped off...dejected...disappointed...resigned to doing whatever the hell it was they wanted to do to me.
My will to weigh is breaking down, I guess.
I still look in the mirror and have a hard time seeing me at this weight. I know I just bought new jeans...but I still wear all the other 14s and 16s. It's like a size 12 is too good to be true. My face still seems so full and puffy. My torso looks doughy. And don't even get me started on that apron of revolting skin.
There's this window to an office in the hospital. The room is always dark inside. So as I walk down the hall, it's like looking into a dark mirror. Not shiny silver, but certainly reflective. When I walk toward that window...that's when I see me. How I am now. The first time I caught my reflection in the window, I was a little freaked out. I looked small. And that was strange...like I was looking into a carnival funny mirror. But every time I walk past it, I see the same person. I just wonder when I'll see her in other mirrors.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Scaling the wall
Posted by JUST JEN at 7:52 AM
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2 comments:
What's the goal of the program? Are you to maintain weight?
The goal is to normalize eating, (stop binging, purging and restricting.)So maintaining is ok. If I lose weight they want me to lose no more than 1 pound a week. At this point, I don't really care if I lose. I just don't want to gain, since it feels like I'm eating so much more than before. But I think my metabolism has kicked into gear, because my body seems to be ok with the calorie/exchange count I'm at.
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