I'm entering the ED inpatient unit at Roger's Memorial on Monday. I hope to transition to the partial program by the end of the week, but we'll see. In fact, I had wanted to skip inpatient all together, but my erratic eating and escalating purging (probably assisted by the ER visit) took that option off the table.
Tomorrow I go into work to tell my staff. I check in with my PCP mid-morning for pre-hospital testing. The afternoon will bring some quick cleaning around the house in anticipation of my weekend guest (and unofficially babysitter.)
Yesterday I also saw my new psychiatrist who switched around some drugs. He's a nice guy...actually read my file before I sat down.
And everyone else on my support team is in support of this plan. Of course they are. No more worrying about what Jennifer's doing. Or what she's not doing. I know, that's not true. But having their blessing makes this easier. Knowing they'll be waiting for me when I get out offers peace of mind.
So from now until Monday morning, my goal is to take in more liquids and eat what I can without purging. My dietitian is cutting me a little slack in the quantity/calorie department in order that I at least eat something. I'm glad she understands that something is better than nothing. And something that I won't purge is the best of all.
Weight loss surgery. RNY. Dropping pounds. Binging. Starving. Purging. They've all become so enmeshed in who I am...but none of them are really me. I hope, I pray, that I can extricate a little bit of myself from that tangled mess.
Last night in therapy, Dr. G helped me come to this understanding:
I AM CHOOSING THIS. I am allowing help into my life in the form of hospitalization in order to bring greater structure and accountability around food and better understanding and acceptance of my emotions.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
She has a plan
Posted by JUST JEN at 5:50 PM
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3 comments:
A plan is good. *This* plan is good. *You* are excellent.
Thinking of you.
xo
You are choosing. Choosing to be well -- and you will.
Where can I buy my "Team Jen" tee-shirt?
Wellness be with you. *hugs*
You have been on a roller coaster for months now which has been tearing you apart bit by bit. But now the strength and courage you are showing to ask for help is one more stepping stone to rebuilding you into the person you really are. Take it minute by minute, listen and absorb what you receive in treatment as your tools for your life. You are going to be okay. Keep telling yourself, I can do it, I can do it.
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