Actually, I don't know that many people understand some of the screwy things in my head unless they've felt the same way.
I was out with a group of my closest girlfriends last night. We made sushi and played an hilarious game. I ate fortune cookies and almonds cookies, sushi and wasabi sticks, even a pot sticker. And at some point, I decided I was going to purge.
Although I'd taken an anti-anxiety pill about an hour before we left, I still felt the need to quell the unsettledness, the worry, the fear with a purge. Quiet, discreet and neat in hostesses' bathroom.
Later, on the way home, when I told a friend that I had purged, she whacked me on the arm (rightfully so) and asked why the fuck I did it. It was hard for me to explain that, yes, I know those women, love these women, understand that they also know, love and support me to the nth degree, but the situation was still anxiety provoking. I still felt like an outsider. I still felt like a specimen floating in a petri dish waiting for the microscope to zoom in on me.
I realize that this is not rational thinking. I know that these friends were happy that I was there, genuinely concerned about me and willing to do anything for me to help in my recovery. But a part of me, the ED part that lay dormant for so long, just isn't ready to disappear. Or maybe I'm not strong enough to squelch it yet.
I have no explanation for people who don't "get it." I don't really get it myself. And if I do, I'm obviously have not been 100% ready to deal with it.
By the time we got back to my house, the anxiety from trying to be understood in regard to being anxious was over the top. My friend went to bed. I went to the cupboard and pulled a million calories of food to eat and purge, all the time justifying it with the knowledge that when I return home from treatment, I should not have these foods, triggers for certain, in my home. And why should they go to waste when a perfectly necessary purge could take care of them.
So today, I'm going to try not to purge. I'm going to eat what I can in normal amounts. I'm going to focus on admission in about 48 hours. Pack. Organize. Clean litter pans. And pray to god I don't face any more pop quizzes.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
You don't understand
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:17 AM
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1 comment:
I do understand. I've been there. It's been hard for me to read your posts in the past few months, because ... well, let's face it, we would've never gotten big enough to need the gastric bypass if we hadn't had an eating disorder to start with. Sadly, post-surgery, it's so EASY to purge....I hope your therapy/treatment is helping you. You deserve so much better than you're giving yourself right now, even if you don't see that yet!
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