Feeling too full...smelling food on my hands after I've eaten...lingering food odors in rooms...feeling like a situation is out of my control...anxiety...disappointing food...sadness...something that tastes too good...looking the mirror or seeing my reflection after eating...republicans...tight clothes...people watching me eat...anger...binging...restricting (weird, but true)...standing on a scale...too many carbs in a day...and another million or so triggers yet to be discovered.
Some of these triggers are things that I've realized just within the past couple of weeks as I've been refeeding. The smells of food in a room (when the food's not mine) or after cooking it (even when it is mine) and the residual smell of food on my hands are strong influences on whether or not I'm going to want to purge if I'm already feeling full. Just a little bit of fullness and a smell will push me over the edge. And then it's a battle of the wills.
Monday was another no-purge day. No puknz for me. Not that I didn't want to after all three meals. Food disappointments were big today and didn't match my meal plan expectations. But I managed to get in about 1550 calories, up a couple hundred from my weekend meal plans, though still not at the 1800 goal.
Calories scare me. 1800 sounds like a TON of food. And gastric bypass surgery is no excuse. I know I can eat more (such as the time I chowed down 15 bags of 100-calorie snacks at the end of the day). But if I don't pay attention to them a little bit, I undereat. An exchange is not an exchange. And my brain knows it.
Changing directions...
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Things that make me want to purge
I wish my depression would start to lift. I know I've only been on the new meds for a couple of weeks, but damn. How about some relief? I find myself somewhat motivated by the time I get home after treatment, but getting through dinner is hard enough that I just crash afterward.
I also wish I had a clear sense of what my treatment goals are. I don't. I'm not going to get very far if I don't come up with something solid. Maybe I hesitate because I really don't want to give up the bulimia. Honest to god. I feel like I've given up a lot recently and this is the one thing I can still control. Do you realize how sick that last sentence was? That had to be ED talking, not me. I hope it wasn't me. I can't imagine my life without ED, but I do know that I want one of my own, not controlled by binging, purging and restricting and repeat trips to treatment.
Posted by JUST JEN at 12:06 AM
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4 comments:
Just here to say I've been checking in on you and I'm sending good thoughts all the way the heck from India.
Hang in there. Your body is yours. If only it were easier to do that mental somersault and feel in control by NOT ALLOWING your body to force you to purge. It's so f*cking hard to get there.
Hi...I'm just wondering...
Do you share your blog thoughts during your treatment sessions? Sounds like you are beginning to really identify things that are issues for you but need to build your ability to cope with and ultimately conquer them.
While all of us who read this can't be there to support you in person, we ARE HERE and hope you carry our care and support in your heart. YOU are greater than the issue that is currently pulling at you. The real you WILL be whole and will be STRONG again.
I can identify with all of your triggers, even if I don't do anything with them - all of those same things make me absolutely nuts. In fact right now, the lingering bit of food in my mouth is making me feel queasy, and it takes all I have to think about brushing my teeth and sucking an Altoid.
To anonymous...I do share my blog thoughts in many of my theraputic sessions. Sometimes the blog is a way for me to process what I've done in therapy, sometimes it helps me tap onto new things to delve into. This post was inspired by a day of treacherous therapy and my need to make what I was learning real. Once it's out there, it's out there. And for me, that's half the battle.
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