Tu es Day

I ache with the rawness of my emotions. I have never before in my life felt more vulnerable, more fragile, more terrified than I have these last few days.

But I let the emotions come. In quiet gasps, pensive pauses, roaring sobs, screaming, cursing, crying. There's no stopping them: sadness, anger, shame, fear, loneliness. My safety comes from a circle of strangers, long distance phone calls.

I am choosing this, I remind myself.

Today I feel small. Dwarfed by my eating disorder. But not defenseless, I remind myself, too. It is so much bigger, so much more insidious than I thought. Often I can't even tell if the voice I hear in my head is my authentic self or my eating disorder.

Tonight I let them talk, chat back and forth. Banter. I'll step out of their way. For the next few hours, I don't care. I can't care.