I've been fighting my ED since Friday night, after a phone call with my HR department. My FMLA protection ends on 2/17. And after that, they may decide to fill the position and I would be without a position...though still being paid.
None of this was information I didn't already know. But hearing it. Talking about it. That was a slap of reality I didn't want. So ED took it and ran.
Friday night I left the house and did stupid errand things to distract my mind. Saturday morning, I stepped on the scale. And despite all my best intentions, that number affected me. Throughout the day, I kept thinkingt hat someone as fat as me wasn't ever going to be able to find a new job. And to combat that thinking? Binging. No purging, though. Because binging without purging is a bigger punishment than purging.
Shit. Now today, despite how insane this all sounds and how illogical it is, I want to restrict. Especially after I stepped on the scale again. My head said that maybe sometimes I am more than a number on a scale, but not really when it comes to other people. ED is in full swing. I hate ED. But I'm still giving in. Graham crackers and coffee for breakfast.
I am scared about not having a job. I know that I shouldn't worry. I probably will have something even better come my way. But ED is all over it and I am being squashed by ED right now.
And tomorrow I get weighed at the program. Crap.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Struggling
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:03 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Jen, have you tried EFT? www.emofree.com - you could be tapping while you're freaking over ED taking over, and it will really help. I know from personal experience.
Although, sometimes, I just don't want to tap. I want to be stuck in ED. I think you probably genuinely want to get out, tho :)
It so sucks when an event just punches you in the stomach like that and Ed uses that as an opportunity to stick his ugly head out.
You know you can fight him though. Go to program tomorow, and know that it really does not matter what that stupid scale says.
Know that you are sorely missed.
xo, Candace
Post a Comment