Challenge

I met last night with my outpatient dietitian. I really respect this woman. She gets where I'm coming from: a lifetime of dieting and desperation, reluctant to follow a meal plan that "feels" like a diet, scared to death of NOT following a meal plan because without it, the chance for recovery is greatly reduced.

So during the conversation I have come to accept:

1) My meal plan is a guideline. Not a bunch of rules. Not a diet. Not a pass or fail situation. Not a lose weight or gain weight plan. It's just learning to eat in a way that my body needs in order to receive adequate nutrition.

2) Calories suck. And so does counting them. So I'm not doing it anymore. My snack exchanges are now to be thought of as choosing foods from different groups, not just consuming a wad of calories from whatever I want or can reach.

3.) Scales suck even more. I gave Anne my beautifully decorated inspirational scale because it was STILL doing a head trip on me. And I realize now that every time I step on it, I lose a little bit of my confidence and gain a lot of doubt. Every time I step on it, I feed my eating disorder. One time, the scale was my very best friend as it ticked off the melting pounds post-WLS. But now it's just a judge, a finger pointer, a scab picker. I'd like the wounds to heal.

4.) I do not know how to shop for food that isn't diet food, isn't sugar-free, isn't low-fat, isn't reduced in some way or another. I have been drinking diet soda since forever. I've been using artificial sweeteners even longer. I've got to learn how to shop without label reading, comparison and calorie counting. But how? I have NO IDEA where to start. Anne suggested a trip to the yogurt shelf. One minute. No label reading. The very thought is overwhelming. How do you know what to buy if you've never had it before? And how do I eat something that I KNOW has 3 times the calories of what I normally eat? This one is going to take some work.

5.) I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. Tall order, I know. But since I'm starting to understand me better, I think I can handle it.

And on a totally unrelated note: I climbed the rock wall today and reached the top. Yes, I did it once on a cruise and got half-way up. So really, why try again? That was a big enough feat for me. The problem though is that I was afraid I'd fail if I tried again. And being good at something only one time is worse than never being good at it. So the fact that I got to the top? Big deal. The fact that I harnessed up and walked to the wall, taking that first step as I grabbed high? That was the success. I tried again. If I could do this, I could try again at a lot of things.