A peaceful coexistence

Yesterday presented me with an important lesson in managing emotions. Or rather, not trying to manage emotions.

During the past few weeks, I've had this deep sense of calm and contentment settle into me. This is a state of being that I've never really experienced before. Or, if I have, it has not been my true state...only a passing premonition of what might come, but empty still because it had no staying power.

This state of being, I believe, is my authentic self coming through. I am convinced that this calm and contentment is what I am meant to be. And from that, I extract a sense of joy that surpasses any ever brought on by other people, circumstances or objects.

I want to do anything to protect it. It is my child. I want nothing to come between me and it...including negative emotions. And especially not strong, overwhelming, negative emotions that also feel all-consuming. So when they arrived yesterday, I panicked a bit. How could they intrude? How dare they? Leave my happiness alone.

But the negative emotions, the result of intense introspection and self-discovery, weren't going anywhere. And for very healthy reasons, neither should they go anywhere until I have recognized them and dealt with them.

So how do you let the good and bad reside together when your goal is calm and contentment?

My therapist helped me better understand this: a negative emotions doesn't cancel out a positive emotion. It's not a tit for tat sort of tally card going on in my soul. For me, I think it's more about keeping balance between the two. As long as I don't give one precedence over the other, I think I can be safe. I have enough strength in me to revel in the joy and respect the fear. Neither are compromised. Both are honored. And in the end, I remain whole and healthy.

Maybe this is my first step away from that damned black and white thinking. Maybe this is the gray zone I've been dipping my toes into.

No matter what, I know that last night--and actually nearly immediately after experiencing these intense, conflicting feelings--I navigated the gray waters quite successfully. I saw what was happening. Took immediate steps to preserve my abstinence and to create safety. This morning, I woke to calm and contentment and understood that there was fear and shame. And that was okay. And I was okay. And this could be my life. For real. This could be me.