It's a daily decision. I AM NOT taking about suicide. Please understand this. I am NOT in imminent danger.
But I've realized this week that every morning, every meal, every minute presents a choice that I have to make and then accept responsibility for my decision.
Do I want to live, breathe, engage, be present, experience, feel, move into my humanity, accept the divine? Or do I want to die, wither, suffocate, give up, run, hide, sink into despair? Live or die?
I think I have to get rid of the distracting questions: do I want to eat...do I want to drink...do I want to purge...do I want to be happy, sad, pissed off, wounded...do I want to wallow. What do I want?
Honestly, the answers change. Sometimes within a split second. Sometimes the actions I engage in can both offer hope and gather despair. There is, I believe, very little difference between wanting to fully live and wanting to self-destruct. Maybe the really distinction is in whether you breathe in or out. Acceptance. Resignation.
Would I choose this place I am in? No. Can I accept it? I don't know. Do I want to change it? I think so. The indecision, the distraction, the desire for differentness...maybe that's the eating disorder...or the part of me that has been disordered for a lifetime. This lifetime.
I owe an email to a friend whose message to me really prompted this post. Her timing couldn't have been better. I'm grateful that not everyone has lost patience with me. I feel guilty and ashamed for asking for such latitude from everyone in my life. I can understand when people have had enough and decide to walk away from this. I know it's not me they are leaving. It's the situation. If I can decide: live or die: then maybe their own decisions won't have to be so definitive.
This second: I choose to live the best I can.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Live or Die?
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:01 AM
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2 comments:
"This second: I choose to live the best I can." And isn't that all you have to do? :) Stay in the present. *hug*
I am sure you have realized how precious and short our lives are. All we can do is make the most out of every moment because it has already become the past. You have made some very difficult decisions in the past months but regardless there are still people out here that are on the side lines whether you want them to be or not that do get it and do understand what you have and are going through. It's not what others want, it is what you want for you. Yeah life can be a struggle, but wouldn't it be boring if it was easy all the time. You are precious. Never forget that.
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