Reality Check

Therapy yesterday. Thoughts today.

I shared with my therapist some thoughts I had on a comment she'd made the week before when we were talking about scheduling appointments during eating times. I heard her comment that she didn’t look like someone who had to worry about not eating lunch.

My head interpreted this that if she thinks she doesn’t have to worry about eating, then I shouldn’t have to worry about eating. What my ED heard was that she thought she didn’t need to eat because her body was too big. How I interpret that is that if she thinks her body is too big, then she must think mine is huge, because I think I am much larger than her.

So I brought this up yesterday. I was a bit ashamed to do so. It was like admitting I was comparing myself to her. And I don't really sit there doing that during our sessions. But I do compare myself to nearly anyone I see.

She explained what she meant by her comment: that she eats appropriate amounts of food at appropriate times to take care of her. And then we talked about size perception. She's a couple inches shorter than me. I think we're about the same age. I know I'm a size 12. (I hate typing that FAT number.) She asked me what I thought would be the normal size...6 or 8 of course. She asked me what size I thought she was...probably an 8 or 10. And then she told me that she's a size 14. She even offered to show me the tags in her clothes when I was incredulous about her response.

I told her that I felt so BIG compared to her. I wished I looked as good as she did. I see just fat when I look down at myself. When I look at her, I see a very shapely, attractive woman. I want to look like that.

She told me that to her I look skinny. That my bones show in my hands and wrists, in my cheeks, on my collar. And they do, that I see. But those are just snippets of me...not the whole picture.

So today I'm just trying to wrap my head around the whole exchange. How is it that she is a larger size than me (and comfortable wearing multiple sizes when she must) and still look so much thinner? How do I see the real me?

I hate that this body image crap lingers. I wish I had a talking mirror of honesty that would report exactly what I look like. I wish I knew that I was acceptable to other people...maybe that would make me acceptable to myself. I don't know. I'm hiding from mirrors today.