I bought a push reel lawn mower, assembled it myself and cut the lawn yesterday.
I started a database for my congregation.
I crocheted 5 rows on my meditation shawl.
I purged only once. That was yesterday.
Today I woke up and realized that I may not find a psychiatrist willing or able to help me get the chemical mixes right for my brain. I have to figure a way out of this fog myself. I cannot live another day like this. This is not the life I want.
So today I crocheted 5 more rows on my meditation shawl.
I painted a picture with finger paints and told myself: do not be afraid.
And even though I was, I painted through the mistakes and was amazed at the result.
My scalp still aches. I'm tired to the bone. I really would like to curl up on the couch and float away into my head. But I'm not going to. No one is going to rescue me from this but myself.
Standing up. Walking forward.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
How it is
Posted by JUST JEN at 9:38 AM
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3 comments:
As usual Jen, your strength amazes and empowers me...i only wish i had one ounce of what you have. Thank you for being you.
~stormi
I'm still slack-jawed at your having put together a lawn-mower. That right there is frickin' amazing.
Do you *get* how capable you are? (No, I know: I don't how capable *I* am, either.)
And that's not even touching any of the head stuff, at which you're also amazing. Even as you are, right this second, feeling like the opposite of capable and amazing and like something you probably mowed over this morning.
Shrinks and meds. That's such a tough one. Been there for 11 years, still doing that, and no, it's sure not a science, is it?
Hugs.
How are you getting these meds with Dr. follow up. These meds are powerful and can lead to the tiredness and listlessness. You might be over medicated or simply not on the right meds.
Concerned.
Candi
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