Yesterday my body and my mind finally caught up with each other. Or at least are within reasonable light years distance now. I slept nearly all afternoon, through the evening and through the night. I can't say I feel refreshed, but I do feel like I'm pretty much present in the same time zone.
Someone asked me yesterday why I am so ambivalent. It shocked me. I respect this person immensely and her opinion matters greatly to me. so when she posed the question, I knew she didn't ask it lightly, that there was truth in her words. I must have looked perplexed, because she explained for me how my actions and words do seem ambivalent.
I've rarely thought of myself as ambivalent. Decisive, yes. Determined, yes. But ambivalent? Nope. Now, though, it seems to make sense. It explains the two steps forward, one step back pattern of recovery I'm in, which really is just a microcosm of the life I've led. Why am I so decisive on the outside and uncertain on the inside? Maybe the why is inconsequential. HOW am I going to change it?
I received a daily affirmation in my email this morning. In part, it reads:
I have a mission. I have a spiritual mandate, and this is to bring the best of myself, my thoughts and my actions as my gifts to life.
Whoa. Tall order. But so, so, so very true. What gift do I offer with self-loathing or hate? What purpose is there in destructive behaviors like binging, purging? How is it to my or any one's higher good when I escape through food or drinking?
Maybe what the message I was being given yesterday was as simple as what my grandpa has been saying for years: piss or get off the pot.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Post #440
Posted by JUST JEN at 7:27 AM
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3 comments:
Got to love that statement. Piss or get off the pot.
What's the source of your daily email affirmations? (I get something from gratitude.org, but it's less affirmation-y, more general, and I'd like to look into the affirmation aspect._
Email me if that's easier. :)
All I have noted is a need/desire for you to be strong for YOURSELF and that is a mighty order for anyone. Too much sleep though. Sleep can depress you. How are you?
xoxoxox, Candi
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