I really thought I'd have hit a major weightloss milestone by this weekend. But I haven't. And I'm rather upset about it...disappointed, angry, frustrated and pissed at myself.
How hard can it be for my body to let go of 24 ounces it doesn't even need when it's already given up so much? And why when I think about it does it make me want to shovel food in my face?
All day yesterday I thought about a plate of spaghetti smothered in chunky sauce. I didn't even care about the garlic bread. But somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, that plate of pasta was festering and tormenting me. I knew I couldn't eat it --and didn't really want to eat. But I wanted to put lots and lots of good tasting stuff in my mouth. Lots. I wanted to fill it up full and have that achey, need to lay down and digest feeling.
And for Valentine's Day, I asked for 10-year old cheddar. How crazy stupid is that? I'm asking for food! Honestly, when I said that, I wanted that frickin' cheese more than jewelry or anything else. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. But I told Rose to definitely NOT get me cheese (because she really would have). I could use a role of masking tape for my mouth to prevent future phrases of denseness from rolling out...or to keep me from shoveling food in.
What they say about having surgery on your stomach and not your brain is so true. Damn them.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Disappointment
Posted by JUST JEN at 7:21 AM
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2 comments:
Sweety, You are soooo freakin normal. LAX-again..
This is a journey, not a task to check off of a list. The scale is NEVER going to be your friend. So don't lets it's opinion change your course.
Just keep doing the right things, just because that ARE the right things to do.
Your body's internal thermostat is trying to figure out what in the heck you have done to it......
Be careful though, as you start unpacking some of the internal baggage with your therapist, you are stirring up some feelings that have been pushed to the bottom. Some of these will cause a natural recall of the place and time etc.
Position yourself to watch this happen as an observer rather than allow yourself to get caught up in the fury.
Lastly remember, You are NOT in this alone. You have a bunch of us, and a very loving God, that has given you ANOTHER 2nd chance...
Cool stuff...
Craig T
I understand exactly where you are. The food demons are lurking about and often I have to stop myself.
You are doing fabulous!!! Keep up the great work.
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