It's getting late. I should be in bed.
For the past week I've been sleeping on a pull-out bed in the office at home. Rose is upstairs in the tempurpedic bed with the electric blanket. I wanted it this way. (I wanted it this way. I wanted it this way. I wanted it this way.)
Tonight, I'd like to crawl into bed next to her, toss my arm around her waist and snuggle in. Comfortable. Familiar. Safe.
But I feel like I can't. After all, I'm that one that asked for a separation, found an apartment 2 days later and will be moving out on Saturday. I'm the one that decided that maybe our 11-year-long relationship might not make it until 12. I'm the one that said "I don't know if I love you anymore".
What have I done? What am I doing? I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. Or maybe the very best decision yet. It's risky. It's scary. And I doubt myself like I never have before. Plus, it's not just my life. It's OUR life.
It's been a difficult week for Rose watching me pack and move things to the other side of the city. We've had intense nights, frustrating mornings. But it's been hard on me, too. In ways that I wouldn't have imagined.
I have never picked up and left the security of anything. And believe me, Rose would give me all the security I need. The question is, what do I need? What am I willing to do to find out?
Maybe tonight what I really want is not so much to comfort her, but to find comfort for myself. I wish I had someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will all be ok. I'm not too convinced of that right now.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
What the hell am I doing?
Posted by JUST JEN at 11:00 PM
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3 comments:
Chicago beckons
Jen,
How difficult this must be for you! Remember to be true to yourself. Making the decision to have a life altering surgery wasn't an easy decision either but you did it and have come to see a different perspective on your life. This is similar, you are making a life altering decision that will provide you with some perspective also. It sounds like you are doing what you should be doing right now in your life. While we've never me, I truly feel your struggle and would be happy to provide you with a willing ear. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you move into your new space.
M
Here's a hug to you.
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