I just got back from a weekend at home.
I haven't written much lately at all about my separation from my partner. It's been 10 weeks since I moved out and got an apartment on the other side of the city. Ten weeks of two sets of rent/mortgage, utilities, cable, internet, etc. Ten weeks of a futon for me, more room in the closet for her. Ten weeks of me missing my cats, her dealing with piss and puke from the fur balls. Ten weeks of quiet and contemplation, freedom and flexibility.
I guess I haven't wanted to write about our separation because it's not been easy. Yes, it's what I wanted. But it's still not what I had intended to ever happen. I didn't make a promise before my friends and family to care for and love her all my life to just up and leave 18 months later. Of course, I hadn't planned on my surgery so radically changing my world. Although a separation is what I needed, it still embarrassed me. And I still haven't told a lot of people--including my grandparents.
And the other reason I haven't written about it is that I don't need to hear what people think. The fact is, the only thing that people should comment on is my happiness. If I'm happy without her, good. I'm happy with her, good. I want people to want for me what I want for me--and I reserve the right to change my mind whenever I want. Amen. I don't want to listen to people passing judgment on her, presuming they know her like I do, understand her better than I do. If people would cut me slack, they should do the same for her.
I haven't wanted to explain myself. Or feel defensive. Or feel judged.
So I haven't.
But this has been my second weekend back at the house. I'm happy about that. I've enjoyed it and I've enjoyed her. Does it mean I'm moving home? Nope. Not any time soon. Does it mean there's room for the possibility that we may work things out? Yes. Definitely. Should it all go south, then it does. But when it sucks as bad as it did a couple months ago, I doubt it could be any worse.
By no means do I have any of the relationship stuff figured out. She still does things to drive m crazy. And I know I do the same to her. But we're learning to be together again as the new and, hopefully, improved people we are.
That's the scoop.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Hers, Mine & Ours
Posted by JUST JEN at 7:17 PM
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5 comments:
i don't know how to say goodluck to you with the being happy in anyway that is at all eloquent so i'll just be ridiculously blunt and hope it comes out charming. take care!
All the best to you in your journey. I like how you said it -- its about your happiness and really, not anyone else's business. In the end, this is your journal and others should feel priviledged to peer into your window, rather than given the right to openly judge.
Good luck honey. You deserve happiness and that is all that matters.
No judgments here. You deserve nothing but to be happy. If that is with your partner, so be it. Without her? That's what meant to be. To thine ownself be true.
Love from Minnesota!
M
In the end it's you who'se had the relationship, not the person with an opinion. You do whatever makes you happy, and if friends don't agree and run off, then that's their own misfortune.
Besides, isn't friendship about caring for one another and wanting only the best for them? Or at least that's what I always thought.
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