A year ago I made my first post to this blog. I thought I'd use it to keep myself honest as I tried to deal with my eating issues and the changes I was going through because of my gastric bypass surgery. I think that for the most part I've done that. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I need to say this now:
I am in freakin' trouble here, kids. In the last two weeks I have fallen off the wagon. I've put more shit in my mouth than I have in ages. As I type this, I am nauseous from the food I just ate. I want to puke. I'm about 2 minutes away from putting my fist down my throat and upchucking.
I don't know what's different. I have been stressed at work. I dug myself into a hole on this project I've been working on. And as the lead editor on it, it's my responsibility to make it work. I've been bringing work home. Going in early. I feel like I have no control over my life. So I guess I'm eating to control what I can.
I've reached this point where it's easier for me to justify getting it under control tomorrow than it is for me to put the effort into it today. I guess I've let it control me. Fucking food. I lie to myself that I'm in control and that's the biggest load of bullshit. Bigger than the pile of food I can stuff into my face.
I feel like a loser. I guess I am because more than a loser, I'm know I'm a quitter.
Don't write to me about nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Thin doesn't feel anything. People do. And I'm feeling like shit. Actually, I'm feeling like a big fat pig wallowing in shit. My own stink. Hose me off. Please. Just hose me off.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Struggling
Posted by JUST JEN at 7:31 PM
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3 comments:
:(
You and I suffer from the same disorder. I'm on day 4 of my new eating plan and all I want to do is eat the pizza and breadsticks my roommate is currently eating.
And I'm obsessed with when I can go back to my favorite places to eat because I love food and food loves me. And it loves you, too. But it's not the best friend to have. In fact, food is very manipulative and makes us feel good and in control and awesome for a little while, but then we feel guilty and shitty and fat and gross 5 minutes later.
Move on, exercise or get a pedi to unwind instead of eating things, and you'll be OK. Tomorrow is a new day.
Jen - if food is becoming bigger than you can handle (you know what I mean), maybe consider talking to your surgeon and get a recommendation for a WLS-friendly therapist. You have to make this work.
"I've reached this point where it's easier for me to justify getting it under control tomorrow than it is for me to put the effort into it today. "
OMG - that statement is such the truth! You put into words the thoughts in my head. I am in the same place as you and I can't figure out myself either. For what that is worth.
We have to remind ourselves that it is a process - we are constantly changing and adapting (we quite the resourceful little buggers, are we not?). I want to believe that your words will be the kick in the pants that I need. I WILL believe - enough lolligagging around about it - I am tired of where I am. Tired of the self hate and constant betrayal of my "true" self. I am worth more than the junk food - why is that so hard for me to believe? Why can't I value my hopes, dreams, and aspirations more than the temporary yum from food?
It doesn't seem to work for me to say that tomorrow I will do better, tomorrow I will be in control. I have to start now.
Three cheers to a new resolve... may we finally be worth the hope we hold out for. Tommorrow may be a new day, but we are destined to continue the self-sabotaging cycle until we CHOOSE ourselves and CHOOSE to make better choices. The power lies within each of us, every second of the day.
Gina
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