Oughta be in pictures

Yesterday I participated as a model in a photo shoot for a new book at work. I designed some papercraft projects for the book and they asked me to be in the photos. It was a long day of hurry up and wait, but lots of fun. I got my makeup done by a professional stylist, the set in the home was beautiful and the people that I was with were fun.

All of our photos were done digitally, so I got to see them as the photographer downloaded them for previews. I was stunned at what I saw.

You'd think that after so many months and so many pounds, I wouldn't have any more of those "wow" moments. Not so. For the first time, I saw myself photographed next to strangers, not people I'm used to being with. And for the first time, I think I saw myself as I really, truly am.

I saw a woman, relatively attractive for pushing 40, who had well-styled hair, sharp glasses and clothes that fit. She had an angled jaw, defined shoulders and proportionate build. She looked relaxed and confident, natural even. She looked like everyone else in the pictures. Maybe even a little bit thinner, a little bit younger.

When the pictures first popped up on screen, I almost didn't see myself. And then I realized that the person in the middle with the beaming smile was ME. No fat freak hogging the framing. Just a regular woman. Me.

That's why I did this. That's why I had my guts rearranged, my world turned upside down. So some day I would look at a photo and be amazed at how I had become this new person. My authentic self. And so I would realize that deep down I truly like her.