...to peanut butter, breadsticks and tortilla chips.
Good lord, yesterday was a binge beyond compare! I think what happened was that I've been so good in preparation for all these follow up visits, that after I got done with my nutritionist yesterday, I just let 'er rip.
It reminded me of a time about 3 years ago when I had an appointment with my primary care doctor. For a month I really worked hard at eating right, watching my blood sugars, etc. I didn't want to get bitched at AGAIN when I stepped on the scale. That visit went well. She was pleased. I didn't get yelled at. And on the way home, I stopped at the Dollar store, bought a bag of greasy cheese balls to celebrate and ate the whole thing within an hour.
I remember that sense of relief and letting go while I ate the cheese balls. And I had a feeling at the time that it was the beginning of the end. It was. Within the next few months, I packed on 30 pounds. Six months later, I was sitting in a surgeon's office asking about gastric bypass.
I kind of felt the same way yesterday eating 6 rice cakes and a half a jar of peanut butter as I did scarfing down the cheese balls. I just couldn't get them in my mouth fast enough. I knew what I was doing was not a good choice. I chose not to care.
The final difference has come down to this: I never stopped eating three years ago. I stopped stuffing last night. I let myself eat until bed time, understanding that I was consuming quadruple the number of calories I normally would. Knowing full well that there likely would be scale ramifications, water retention and general bitchiness about the inevitable bloated abdomen. And I would live with it all. I'd accept the consequences and move on. Because I know now that I CAN stop eating. I don't have to start down a path and keep going.
Today, it's back to normal.
Is it healthy to let myself binge? Probably not. I'm sure it's still part of my screwed up addictive behavior that gets me to that point. At least I know what I'm doing and am willing to take responsibility. That's a change.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Just say no...
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:21 AM
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2 comments:
Love your YOUTube embed!
Also.. I had to post because I'm having a peanut butter issue right now. I'm banded but I've found if I just let it melt in my mouth it goes through just peachy! Thanks for keeping your blog alive. I don't post but I do read.
Get that peanut butter out of your house hun! That's the second post about it. I have certain trigger foods that, when in the house, I will keep eating and eating until they are gone. Left over Chinese is a great example. Throw it away, and get a bag of nuts instead. Divide them into portions and bag them. Swear off the PB for a bit if you see a pattern.
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