I hauled myself to the local WLS support group today. I haven't gone in ages...I'm always busy on Saturday mornings. But I felt like it was the least I should do for my sorry excuse of a shrinking ass.
Today's topic: who do you turn to for support. Um...anonymous people (voyeurs, actually) on the internet who reach out to lost souls such as myself. Seriously, though. I so have a support network. I just feel like I'm in this by myself right now.
I wanted to say something in the group, but I felt like I was going to vomit if I did. Or choke. Or cry. So I just sat there, kind of numb. Understanding that everyone in that room was just like me, but not really.
I know there are people that go to group that read this. I know that if I told any one of them that I'm on the edge, they'd pony up for me. I'm just not able to do that. Maybe it's that I'm not ready to take the help. Maybe it's that I'm too proud...because perfect girls don't go screwing up perfect opportunities to have a perfect life.
I also don't know what kind of help it is that I want. I don't want to talk about the specifics. I don't want empathy. I don't want to ramble. I kind of just want people to let me figure this out. Just send me the vibe telling me you'd do anything to help...but don't ask me what you can do. Because I honestly don't know. And when I can't tell you, then I feel like a dope.
So group probably helped. I actually came home and did something other than curl up in a ball on the couch. The office is nearly painted. I ran a couple of errands. I took a reasonable hour-long nap. Though I haven't eaten a "meal" today...only snacks of not so good things. More than I wanted to. Every bite a chomp of guilt stuck in my throat.
Will I go back next month? I don't know. I probably should go to my surgeon's group too. But I feel so conspicuous wherever I go...and that crowd, probably even moreso.
Tonight. A visit from my brother. I've been thinking about a glass of wine all day. Early to bed. Then it all starts again tomorrow. Deep breath.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Comfort of Strangers
Posted by JUST JEN at 5:37 PM
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4 comments:
Oh Jen. I'm glad you got to a meeting. This stuff is like, AA, no? *sigh* (Eating a cookie whilst I comment.)
Knowing we are here for you empowers you....know that we care and we want your to succeed! And yes therapists are my friend too, they really do help, even if you don't want them too!
Whoever said you need to be perfect. If you (we) were perfect, we wouldn't have needed WLS in the first place. We are HUMAN and because of that we go thru a vast range of emotions and the related problems.
If you feel you are in this by yourself (your description) that's exactly why you DO need a group. No, not OA, but those who are on the same journey and have the same peaks and craggy valleys that you are experiencing.
Yes, find a therapist but it has to be the one right for you and you will know.
C'mon...give yourself credit for the amazing person you are. This isn't a "suck it up" statement but is a push to take advantage of your best friend...yourself.
I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time.
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