Sigh. IJIAHC week isn't really doing the trick, but I do appreciate all the adoration. Keep it coming. Maybe it will sink in.
I feel really lost right now. Something's not right. I run through the list of things I could be feeling (because expressing emotion other than happy, sad or angry, does not come easily to me.) Nothing rings true. I feel deeply unsettled.
Like the friggin' lunges I had to do last night. Backward lunges with the forward foot on a 2-inch foam pad. No assistance. The third set really pissed me off. I couldn't do it. I wobbled, I touched the ground, I said fuck out loud. All the time the 12-year-old trainer tells me I'm doing a good job. Great job. Good job. Whatever. Everyone I tried made me feel like I was failing more. It wasn't like I got to the last one and conquered it. I just shook hard, wobbled more. I couldn't count on my front foot to be steady and I couldn't rely on my back foot to support my weight. I had no flippin' control and THAT is what pissed me off. Or maybe I wasn't pissed as much as I was disappointed in myself? I don't know.
I think I should pick up one of the dozen self-help books I got at BEA in the spring. Heal my soul. Feed my soul. Save my soul. Soul what? Maybe what I need I'll find in a book...since it doesn't seem like it's at all inside of me.
So. I'm going to take some sleeping pills and head off to bed. If I stay up, I'm likely to eat, drink or step on a scale...none of which has much benefit to me at this point. Maybe a good night's sleep is what's in order.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Or not.
Posted by JUST JEN at 9:16 PM
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3 comments:
Oh no, Jen is a international hottie! Regardless of the 12 year old trainer and the lunges. In fact, the lunges make you HOTTER!
Kim's right -- nothing is hotter than a hottie doing wobbly lunges.
As for the wobbly, it does get better. Gees, with all the crap I do I still wobble when I have to do step-ups. It's frustrating too, because I know I can do them! I don't like letting things beat me -- probably because my weight loss efforts beat me for so long, that now when I suffer failure I freakin' can't stand it. Or worse, maybe it's gunk in my head that says "you're still too fat" to do things like that.
The fact that you're doing it is better than sitting on the couch. If we were naturally good at everything, there wouldn't be any need to strive for more. (just trying to find the value in feeling like shit sometimes.) LOL
well, that bites... i know how you feel. i know this isn't a pissing contest, but i can one up you here...
my trainer was a lovely taye diggs lookalike- pushed me hard on the giant ball, pushups, etc. i felt nauseated and kept having to sit down and put my head between my legs. finally, i ended up vomiting my chocolate optifast shake all over myself. IN. THE. GYM. horrified, the tasty trainer ran away. (in his defense, he ran to get me a towel, though i didn't know it at the time.
i think he'll think twice the next time a fattie tells him that they're feeling nauseated.
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