So. This is where I am: sitting in my parents' home waiting for an intake worker from a hospital specializing in eating disorders to call us back.
Because, in the words of my niece Nikkole as she dove beneath the couch to retrieve a lost sock, "I'm going in!" (You have to hear how that sounds in my head to fully appreciate it.)
The low point was yesterday as I lay in a pool of my own vomit (wine and chocolate chip cookies) with someone on the other end of the phone line trying to keep me awake.
The high point? Staying awake.
I've worked pretty hard at sniping, sniveling and sarcastically writing around my eating/control issues. I think I fooled nearly everyone, myself included. But you get to the point where it's just too damn exhausting to do it anymore. Any of it. Eat. Breathe. Hide.
I don't know that they're going to let me blog at the hospital. And I probably shouldn't anyway. At some point, I'll be back. Better? Maybe. I'd be happy to just be back.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Hiatus
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:55 AM
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18 comments:
Best of luck to you! I've been reading your blog. I will be praying for you!
The scariest thing in the world is admitting to everyone that you don't have your shit together, because then you can't hide it from yourself anymore either.
You've worked hard on your body to be healthy, now it is your head and your heart's turn. I know you will find your place of strength to continue the work from.
Best wishes to you honey, my thoughts will be with you!
We will miss you. I don't know what to say. I wish I did. I want you "watch" you get better. Come back when you can.
I miss you already. Damn it.
Best of luck to you. You are so strong to reach out for help.
Best wishes Jen. I'll be thinking of you (and praying too). Be well.
I look forward to your triumphant snarky return. And am, without sentiment or goopy "yeah for you"-ness, very proud.
It takes a strong person to admit they have a problem. It takes a stronger person to get help for that problem. You should be very proud of yourself for trying to make yourself better and seeking help.
xo, Candace
JEN YOU WILL BE OK! Heal thyself!
We will wait for you to return
Jen, I love you and your blog. This is about you and getting yourself right. I am proud of you for knowing you need help and getting it. We will miss you and although sometimes it has been a burden for you to write, through this you have gained a family that loves you and wants nothing but the best for you. We will support you through the ups and downs.
I am so happy that you are taking care of yourself and doing this to right your head!
We will always be here for you, too! Take care!
I love you.
Best wishes, Jen. I'll be thinking of you often.
Everyone hits rock bottom in their life at one time or another and that may be the best place for them to start working from the inside out. You seem to have a hole in your heart that needs to be filled. You need to know that your partner and family deeply love you and will always stand by your side for strength and much needed acceptance and love. They may say and sometimes do things you think are there to hurt you, but it may be just to find out where you are in your world of pain. There is a beautiful woman in you trying to blossom but running into many bumps in the road. Keep in mind that it is one big step to be honest with yourself and not hide from your pain. Take care of yourself first, everyone and everyting else can wait. And if they don't they were never true friends to you in the first place.
I know I've said it before, how much I admire your candor and honesty. You see yourself as weak, but you are not. By far you are one of the strongest WLS post-ops I read. It takes more courage to come online and blog honestly, than it does to come online and be boastful of progress (not that it's a bad thing).
When you're ready, you know we'd all like to see you back, but you need to do what is right for you. I know the best of you is yet to emerge... and it will.
Thinking of you Jen ((hugs))
Thank you. I love your honesty.
Best wishes to you as you work your way toward recovery.
Jeno, you are in my thoughts and prayers. You sell yourself short. I always looked at you as someone who has it altogether....and I'm pretty smart, so you should listen to me. I miss your sense of humor and your insight and perception of people and things. You be a good girl and know that I care for you.
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