I don't know what to say.
I leave for work in about an hour. I can't take a Xanax until I'm there, since driving is a no-no on the drug. I'm anxious. Overwhelmed by the thought of a full day around people, people who have a clue about this pit I'm in.
I tried to read lasers from a chapter on appetizers and beverages last night. Checking for style, design, content, copy. And I couldn't. I was in a safe place...sitting in an office at church while everyone else was having a good time. But near people. Not where I'd engage in ED behaviors...or drink. (However, I did think about the communion wine.) Anyway. I just couldn't read. I couldn't concentrate. And when I did catch a phrase or two, my mind started to do screwy things, go odd places, entertain dangerous thoughts. It's food--words about food--on a fucking piece of paper, dammit, and even that is the enemy.
I see one of my therapists tonight. Wednesday comes the final paperwork in the "divorce", a visit to my psychiatrist for delicious new drugs, another therapy session. And the decision of what to do next. Today, I'm just going to pray I don't purge. Pray I don't binge. Pray I don't restrict. Pray that food is food and I am Just Jen.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Monday. Funday.
Posted by JUST JEN at 5:53 AM
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1 comment:
We're all praying with you Jen! Take it one hour at a time--one day at a time is to big right now.
Lisa (also in Milwaukee)
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