My therapist said it's a slip up. I say it's a fuck up. But I managed to pull a major binge and purge fest yesterday, feeling like I had no other option in dealing with anxiety, self-loathing and unworthiness.
I had a traumatic experience doing "blind" yoga in experiential therapy. I got so connected to my body, but not in a good way, and then I couldn't disconnect and reintegrate with the rest of the group.
I managed to sit through lunch, undereating. I ate my afternoon snack and then grabbed another. Then went to Carirbou Coffee and afte a huge scone with a coffee drink. Then chomped on cheese crackers. By the time I got to my therapist's office, I was so uncomfortable. I could taste the first bite of the scone and I smelled like coffee, but my mouth tasted like cheese crackers. I was worried that my therapist would tell me she was cuttin' me loose for being so crazy. So I purged. Twice. At her office.
We talked about that. Examined it. I thought I felt better. But on my drive home I stopped at the store and bought some of those sugar cookies with think creamy frosting and a bag of cheese puffs. Four cookies and a half of a bag of puffs later, I had purged four times by the time I stopped.
I fell asleep on the futon. Then woke around 10 with severe abdominal pain and dizziness. I got to the bathroom and ended up purging via the butt. My body totally rejected everything I had put into it. I felt so dizzy and the lights were blinking green. I just took some drugs and went back to bed.
I woke up this morning feeling yucky. Feeling guilty. Feeling like a big fat loser who lets a fucking eating disorder control her life. Now I have to face the group today. Confess or not? I don't know. I want to clear my conscience, but I do not want feedback.I don't want support. I want to feel the pain and guilt of what I did so that maybe I won't do it again. I am not worthy of their support. The shame is stiffling.
Goddamnit. I couldn't even go a whole week without ED behavior. Damn.Fucking damn.
Today, I put on the the biggest clothes I have that still stay on my body in hopes of hiding the monster I see. They still aren't big enough.
Yes, I see that this is my ED writing this post. I don't feel strong enough to fight against it. I'm not seeing the things that I, Jennifer, do to fight against it. I don't see the progress. Why can other people see it, but not me?
I need to try to not beat up on myself today. I need to work on sticking with my meal plan. I need to ask for help and then accept it.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A slip up
Posted by JUST JEN at 6:07 AM
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2 comments:
First, call me warped -- but isn't there some level of honesty going on in that you were willing to purge (even if it felt like you felt compelled to do it) *at your therapist's office* and then talk about it? That right there strikes me as a positive.
Second, I don't know how your support group works. Do you get to "confess" and ask that people *not* respond? Or not? Or is that counter-productive?
If recovery were easy and something to be gotten through quickly, this wouldn't be a disorder to begin with.
But you get to hate it. It's good that you hate it. Because as long as you hate it more than you beat up on yourself for having it, you're on the Recovery Path.
Thinking of you,
Hi,
I've been reading your blogs from January. I'm catching up as I have been away from your page for a while.
I can't begin to come close to understanding what you are going through. I don't have any advice or suggestions. My heart just goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I hope that you have since begun to heal and feel better.
I have like 2 months worth of entries to catch up on before I am up to date. I just wanted to take a moment and tell you that some stranger out in the world cares about you. I hope that doesn't sound creepy! LOL
Take care,
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