I CHOOSE

...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

So why?

Someone asked me yesterday why I felt the need to post the photos below.

Because...

  • I hide beneath clothes...
  • I have a distorted sense of pride in my bones...
  • My bag of skin causes me shame...
  • That skin represents everything about me that I am ashamed of and for which I feel the need to be forgiven, accepted, healed...
  • I think many people I interact with on a daily basis don't really know me because I hide from them...
  • I'm tired of having this secret body...
  • I hate my body...
  • If I don't take pictures of myself, I don't know what I really look like...
  • I want other people to tell me how ugly I am...
  • I don't feel worthy and the pictures prove why.
Now, I understand that these aren't all logical or realistic. I'm telling you this is what I perceive, think and feel. Yes, I know I shouldn't accept some of these statements as truth. But in my current reality--skewed by an eating disorder, mapped by gastric bypass surgery, guided by desperation--this is my truth.

Please don't discount that. I know it's negative. I know there are good things about me. And I'm trying to see them. So, in the spirit of someone who I respect greatly and who posed that question yesterday, I offer this:

3 Positive Things @ Jen
  1. I have an infinite capacity to love and am learning to accept it from others.
  2. I speak from the heart--to family, friends, co-workers and gradually to myself.
  3. I have strength beyond measure which is constantly being revealed to me.

Posted by JUST JEN at 5:48 AM

4 comments:

Candy-O said...

Perception is reality. Right now this is how you are perceiving yourself "I don't feel worthy and the pictures prove why." and that is your reality - totally valid to you.

You are learning to see yourself with new eyes. Your perception will change and your reality with it.

7:17 AM
Melting Mama said...

You don't HAVE to explain why. Anyone who's been in your place knows why.

8:15 AM
Debbie said...

I know why - I do. When people tell me how *good* i look (did I look THAT bad 100 pounds ago?) I can't help but think of what my body really looks like under the layers of clothes. I'm right here with you on this.

9:34 PM
Anonymous said...

Whatever it takes to heal - is what YOU need to do!
xo, Candace

2:02 PM

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