Here we go again...

But not really. Not down the same path. In a Robert Frost moment of realization, I'm taking my own road less travelled.

Wednesday was a magnificent day in my life. So much of what I've been working on the past few months merged and manifested. I DO AMAZING THINGS.

I was up well into the the early hours of Thursday morning, unwilling to sleep should I miss a moment of life. I had so many thoughts to journal and so many other experiences from the day to review that I needed to get them in some kind of order so I wouldn't forget.

And that brings me to the fork in my road.

To bed by 1:30 a.m. Thursday and then up at 4 a.m., I began yesterday full of excitement and possibility, comforted by the goings on of the day before. But I also had a chest and throat tight with anxiety: had what I been through the previous 24 hours just a fancy or was it real?

I didn't have my pre-breakfast snack and I was so consumed by writing that I lost track of time and was quite late for treatment. So I grabbed a coffee,protein shake, Ritz Sticks (yummy) and apple juice. Ate that in the car. Took my shake into the program and sucked on that.

Within 45 minutes or so, I realized what I was doing...and why. I was starting cycle through my eating disorder: making excuses for not eating, choosing foods lower in calories, relying on liquid calories and letting thoughts of restricting really have free play in my head. Plus, we had two new people in the group. All I saw was a super skinny girl and a gorgeous girl. And I felt like the heifer in the room. I had been having a great body image day. I loved my clothes and felt comfortable in them and confident, too. I even had tucked my shirt into the belted trousers. But everything changed in that split second.

Fortunately, I realized I was in a familiar spot. A few weeks ago I had a great spell. And I spiralled down and ended up purging on a city street before seeing my shrink. Low point, for sure.

Yesterday, though, I realized where I was heading and I CHOSE to take a different path. I was NOT going to engage in ED behaviors.I was not going to let the flipping disease hijack my progress. I CHOSE to be responsible.

While I knew where I was heading and understand the choice to be made, I did not feel like I had all the tools. What did I do weeks ago to pull me out of the spiral? I didn't remember. So I ASKED for help. Nearly every moment of the day. My team gave me insight, support and encouragement. I saw the path, walked it and lived each moment of it. No ED behaviors for me yesterday. My body hate chilled and I actually ended up relaxing into my skin again by the time I left for the day.

This transition is significant. It is a new way for me to cope. Still scary, still unknown, still uncertain. But I did the NEXT right thing. Could it be that it's sinking in? Fingers crossed.