Didn't that last post sound so sweet, so cheery, so up beat and full of hope? It ended up being a crappy night. The ED is slamming me hard the last couple days. I think I wrote that post in hopes of it leaving me the hell alone. It didn't.
I've purged three times since Wednesday. I fight restricting to avoid binging that I want to do after purging when I restrict. Each instance has been tied to a specific emotional event that for some stupid reason I insist on coping with by means of ED behavior.
Today I've fought nonstop. From when I "woke up" at 4:30 a.m. (in quotes, since I hardly fell asleep), through lunch with a friend, through afternoon shopping, through a munchy meal of peanut butter, smoked turkey and wasa bread, right up until now. 9 p.m. CST. I should have another "meal" tonight, but my excuse is that I have heartburn. This is something new. I haven't had heartburn since August 26, 2005, the morning of my gastric bypass surgery. I'm sure I've brought this on myself by retching.
So what does this all mean? I guess, it proves that every single day for the rest of my life--or each moment, were I to live in the present as I preach--I have to wrestle with this eating disorder. No rest for the wicked or whacked.
I'm not being hard on myself. Just realistic. Accepting that responsibility. Choosing to 'fess up rather than fail.
Tomorrow's a new day. Tonight, it's just not so sweet.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Sugar Coated
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:59 PM
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3 comments:
I hear you.
"Every single day for the rest of my life--or each moment, were I to live in the present as I preach--I have to wrestle with this eating disorder."
That's how I feel about my to bingeing. The more successful I am at living in the present (er, NOT my greatest strength), the more successful I am at not bingeing.
The more I fret, live in the past or future, the greater the urge to binge.
I'm still struggling with the one-day-I'll-be-cured mentality -- and really, for me it's more productive to think about "remission" and "recovery." That way I don't have to be perfect.
(Wait ... I'm *not* perfect??? Damn, someone forgot to tell me ...)
xo
Jen, you mentioned that you're using your ED to cope... is anything in particular going on? or just the normal, every day sh*t?
It's always so up and down, isn't it?
I don't know what to say except that yes, tomorrow is most definitely a new day.
xoxo
The fact that you see that each instance is tied to a specific emotional event is a good thing! You're not failing by a long shot... You're not failing at all. In fact, I'll pull out my pom-poms to prove it! There's always a new day; a clean slate.
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