I ate yesterday. In fact, I actually ate a meal in the evening. I forced the food in, mostly because I knew that I was treading in dangerous waters and restricting anymore would do considerable damage. But I also just was sick of being stuck.
I don't want to have all those screwy ideas and rules about eating. I don't want weight to control my life. I don't want my body image to determine my self worth. I'm just sick of it. I can also see how an eating disorder is so cunning that it makes you think it's all your idea.
So I said screw it. I ate a scone. I had a scoop of protein. I ate flax cakes. I ate an apple. I ate an andouille sausage and zucchini. And I didn't purge. Stayed right where I put it.
This morning, I ate cottage cheese and mandarin oranges. I work out at noon and will eat something before then. I can't promise big things. I won't. But I'll eat. If I don't eat, all those labs will just get worse. All my crazy thinking just is magnified. All my friends get pissed off at me because they don't understand how twisted this all makes me. That makes me sad. Sad because I can't explain what's happening. Sad because it affects their lives. Sad because I let myself feel like shit for letting their own issues rest on my shoulders.
If I could, I would change this all in a heartbeat. Who wouldn't? Why wouldn't I? I hate it when people assume I am doing this on purpose. I AM NOT. Today, someone chastised me for starting a new email account that focused on my eating disorder. Um. Not so. That email account has been active for 2 years...it's the one I log into this blog with. I just so happened to send an email from the address, not my personal correspondence one. Don't flippin' assume that everything I do is ED related.
I'm beginning to feel the stigma of this. People don't ask to be bipolar. People don't ask for lupus or MS or fibromyalgia. People don't ask for Crohn's or migraines or seasonal affective disorder. So why the hell would I ask this for myself? Just because someone doesn't understand it shouldn't mean their capacity for empathy is diminished. God. Now I'm getting angry. I'm not going there.
I'm looking forward to moving today during my workout. I have coffee with a friend after. Then an appointment. Tomorrow I booked a 90-minute massage session. Good things for me. Good things I deserve.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What a little nutrition won't do for a girl
Posted by JUST JEN at 9:58 AM
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2 comments:
Sometimes I read the thoughts you are consumed with and I identify with them. I find that while I don't have the same issues you do, my thoughts are always of food -- what to eat, how much to eat, is it enough? Is it too little? Is it right? Is it wrong? Is my pouch getting big? The questions go on.
It's always something about food... albeit some are health-conscious thoughts, but it still seems like it's constant.
Guess we're all a tad disordered to some degree. (Certainly not making light of your situation.)
*hugs*
Donna
...and I see the real wonderful you is working hard and shining thru...ED tried to eclipse your light this last week, but your inner strength, your YOU, is conquering it...even one inch at a time is an amazing success and you have moved more than inches. Hooray for you wonderful Jen!!
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