It's been a difficult day. I'm not really sure why. I can't pinpoint any specific triggers. No big dramas. Nothing tragic. Just feeling off.
It's been a few weeks since any binging/purging or outright eating disorder behavior. Maybe the signs were there. I've not wanted to eat because of the dopamax, which is supposed to control the B/P urges. And I've had this horrid taste in mouth. The only foods that taste good are starchy, bready, carby things.
So I've been eating them. And my body's been hungry. Today, that hunger became a binge. A shop to get what you want to gorge on binge, followed by intentional purging for the purpose of continued binging. Yep, classic ED. Crap.
I feel guilty. But not enough to stop eating. Not enough to stop purging. If I've already screwed up today, I might as well go all out...at least until the clock strikes midnight. Hey, I didn't crack into the vodka. And I didn't buy wine. Crap.
Please. I'm not trying to romanticize this. I'm just trying to understand it. Why now? What's going on? Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just a physical reaction to the pharmaceutical starvation. Maybe it's me freaking out about gaining weight. I bought that scale. Damn it. Maybe I just let my guard down, got too comfortable. Maybe.
I CHOOSE
...to love myself.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
...to treat myself gently, with patience and respect.
...to accept responsibility for every aspect of my life.
...to be present, awake, aware.
...to be open to possibility.
...to leap with the intention of landing.
...to do amazing things.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Around the block again
Posted by JUST JEN at 8:36 PM
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1 comment:
Jen. I've been on the dope for however long, too, and it's stopped my icky grazing behavior nearly entirely. I don't wake up in the middle of the night searching for a snack - not even a protein bar - a cracker - nothing. It shuts down that factory in the brain. Of course it's shutting down other parts of the factory with it unfortunately, I feel a little slow.
Right before the dopamax - I was eating things like donuts even daily, I'm not a purger, but I would eat entire donuts.
Now, I'll have three bites if I really *think* I want it, and then, my brain shuts me down, sometimes even before that.
Bizarre - this drug. Bizarre - that it's used for so many reasons. Migraines, seizures, EDS, and bipolarity?
I'm still a raving bitch with seizures, but! my mouth tastes like cans!
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