Tonight's Menu

I'm cold, so I made soup.

I just added Skinny Tortilla Soup to a cookbook I'm finishing up, so it was on my mind. The recipe is simple, but adjusting it is even easier.

I skipped the corn, the cheese and the tortilla chips. I used southwesters-seasoned chicken breast cubes for extra kick, too. Oh, I also cut the extra water and added another can of refried beans because I like thick soup.

The outcome was pretty good. I could eat only about 3/4 cup because it was so thick. But I think I got my fill of fiber.

Riesling

I'm drunk. I just downed a glass of wine after a crazy day at work. I love the rush and the warmth, the slight giddiness, the ability to let go.

I'm going to get another glass. Cheers.

Self-flagellation

I don't know what's more painful: shoving too much food down my throat or beating myself up over it.

This dark place I'm in is difficult hard to bear. I know I make it even harder when I constantly berate myself and put myself down. It's so easy, I'm finding, to really slide back into that old pattern of behavior. In some ways, it's even more painful now than before because I realize that I shouldn't let myself be filled with so much self-hate. It used to be how I coped on a daily basis. Hating myself. Eating myself to fatdom. Hating myself for eating myself into fatdom. Eating myself out of fatdom, trying to think it was making me feel better. Vicious cycle.

I recognize that I am in this cycle. I know that at one point I had the tools to break it. Afterall, I was doing gangbusters for a while. I just need to slow down, figure out what I'm really dealing with, name it and then move on.

Today was a pretty decent food day. Protein first. Reasonable portions. Not too compulsive in my thinking. By now means was it perfect. But it was not an all out pigfest. And I certainly didn't feel out of control. Did I need to eat at 3 p.m. today? Probably not. But what I ate was a good choice. Yesterday, it wasn't a good choice. I need to take that as progress.

The day after

Yesterday was better than Thursday. I got through most of the day ok and without freaking out. Last night wasn't easy and it wasn't perfect, but I didn't do too bad--not as bad as the night before.

This is the first weekend in a while I didn't have to schlep home a ton of work. I think that in itself is going to help. It's easy for me to let my life get out of balance. Maybe I'm on my way out of the craziness.

Struggling

A year ago I made my first post to this blog. I thought I'd use it to keep myself honest as I tried to deal with my eating issues and the changes I was going through because of my gastric bypass surgery. I think that for the most part I've done that. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I need to say this now:

I am in freakin' trouble here, kids. In the last two weeks I have fallen off the wagon. I've put more shit in my mouth than I have in ages. As I type this, I am nauseous from the food I just ate. I want to puke. I'm about 2 minutes away from putting my fist down my throat and upchucking.

I don't know what's different. I have been stressed at work. I dug myself into a hole on this project I've been working on. And as the lead editor on it, it's my responsibility to make it work. I've been bringing work home. Going in early. I feel like I have no control over my life. So I guess I'm eating to control what I can.

I've reached this point where it's easier for me to justify getting it under control tomorrow than it is for me to put the effort into it today. I guess I've let it control me. Fucking food. I lie to myself that I'm in control and that's the biggest load of bullshit. Bigger than the pile of food I can stuff into my face.

I feel like a loser. I guess I am because more than a loser, I'm know I'm a quitter.

Don't write to me about nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Thin doesn't feel anything. People do. And I'm feeling like shit. Actually, I'm feeling like a big fat pig wallowing in shit. My own stink. Hose me off. Please. Just hose me off.

Reflections

I had an open house yesterday featuring this cool coffee machine I have, the Tassimo.

In addition to offering a fine selection of gourmet coffee drinks that put Starbucks to shame, I set up a chocolate fountain and served biscotti, wafer cookies, marshmallows and strawberries. Some of my guests brought sweet treats, including this incredible berry cobbler made with Splenda.

By 2 p.m. when all my guests had left, I had consumed nothing but carbs all day long. I felt horrible. I felt fat. I felt like my body was going to convulse from lack of proper nutrition. Really. Blech. All I wanted was to gnaw on a slab of steak.

After laying on the couch for 30 minutes, wallowing in my misery, I got up to go to the bathroom. I had fully expected to see my fat-faced self in the mirror after all the crap I had consumed. I was surprised--shocked, really--to see my present-day self instead. I almost jumped at the sight of my thinner face.

Funny reaction. I've really gotten used to how I look now and it's easy for me see the before and after in my face. This was the first time in a long time that my perception didn't line up with reality. And funny how it happened after I ate in ways (not quantities, though) more reminiscent of my former self.

It was enough to scare me back to reality. And steak for dinner.

ramblings

I've started this post about a dozen times. I've got a lot rolling around in my head, a lot to get out. Just no sense to any of it.

I reconnected this weekend with a life-long friend. Wonderful visit. Satisfying. Grounding.

I've been a bitch to myself. Short tempered with my shortcomings. Self-loathing. Hateful, really.

I looked hot today, wearing a fitted black blouse, shorter skirt and black boots to my knees. When I put on my leather jacket, I was smoking. I know...because all the straight girls told me so.

My new favorite TV shows are Brothers & Sisters and Six Degrees.

I want to read "The Price of Loyalty" by Paul O'Neill.

I don't think I'm really going to go to Paris for my 40th birthday.

Call of the wild

The buffet beckoned and I answered.

Actually, my little mentor kid wanted to go to Old Country Buffet and I said ok. I was going to buy my food by the pound, but this particular location didn't offer that option. So I paid full price.

What did I eat? Well, let me tell you...NOT $10.60 worth of food, that's for damn sure!

I had about 3-4 oz of salmon. One-half of a 1-inch brussel sprout. One breaded shrimp. A 1/2" cube of pineapple. And a dollop of whip cream on top of a dime-size bite of pumpkin pie.

I have never, ever in my entire life--going all the way back to the Sweden House buffet in Appleton, WI circa 1975--walked out of a buffet not stuffed and in pain. Until tonight.

I'm not rushing back there. But dang! I ate at pig-out heaven and survived, consuming my appropriately portioned post-op helpings of healthy food. Eating slowly. Savoring the mediocre delicacies. Enjoying the fact that I wasn't the fattest person in the room and that people weren't staring at me in horror because I was waddling up to the trough for helping number three.

Yep. I passed the test.