Fed Up

Whew! I can't believe I managed to squeeze in 6 oz. of turkey, a 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes, a 1/4 cup of stuffing, a 1/4 cup of squash, a sour dough roll, cranberry relish, a heaping mound of green bean casserole, a piece of pumpkin pie and a wedge of pecan pie! Yeah, sure. All of that and another piece of apple pie an hour later.

Seriously, I did pretty damn good with food yesterday. I got busy with getting ready to leave in the morning, so I never got the protein shake and ended up having just a sugar-free caramel latte from my Tassimo. During the drive north, I ate 1/4 cup of wasabi peas and 2 beef jerky pieces.

For our family dinner, I had about 2 ounces of turkey. And then I had two very small bites each of mashed and sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, a SF jello with cranberries and apples in it, my Hot Fat Apple Crisp made with caramel syrup and a different topping and then, for dessert, I had my own SF Upside-Down Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie--1/4 cup with a dab of whipped cream.

I ate slowly, chewed well, often proclaimed the deliciousness of my selections and really did clear my junior-sized plate from the table soon after eating.

Around 7 o'clock, I nibbled on a bit more turkey. That, unfortunately, gave my head free reign to obsess about every other leftover in the house. And the pies were all still out. So I snitched from this one, sampled from that one poked into another. In all, I must have eaten only about 5 bites. But I got sick. I felt like an alien baby was bursting through my pouch. But my head wanted me to keep eating. So I left. Better to remove myself from the situation than sit there later and beat myself up for overeating.

I think my advance planning saved my ass--or at least avoided the extra 3 pounds I might have packed onto it yesterday. My family was very supportive. No one tried to get me to eat something I didn't want to. (Yes, sad enough, this was a strong likelihood.) My grandma and grandpa raved about my faux pie and my brothers didn't even blink at the sugar-free apple crisp. Another thing...no one made a big deal about what I was or wasn't eating. That was nice, just to be normal.

Strategy

This Thanksgiving feels so different than the last one. I’m 15 months post-op, certain of my pouch restrictions, apprehensive about my self-control, determined to not gain back in one day the 80 pounds I’ve lost since the last feasting holiday.

I go to the dinner table tomorrow knowing that I’m always just one bite away from overeating and sabotaging my accomplishments. I also know that I will do anything to not let that happen.

So I’ve got a plan and I’m calling it “Turkey & Two Bites.”

I’m going to put 3 oz. of turkey on my plate—what I’d normally allow myself for a protein serving at any meal. And then I’m allowing myself two bites of any food that’s on the table that I want to eat. My first bite is going to be to see if I like it, need it, want it, crave it, hate it, etc. The second bite is to savor it or say goodbye to it. I don’t need a third bite. I’ll already know what it will taste likes and the third bit won’t taste any better than the first two.

I’m also asking my mom to set my place at the table with a small plate (just like I use at home) and give me the smaller dessert fork to use. Plus, I’m taking my own dessert. When I’m done eating, I’m getting up and taking my plate and silverware into the kitchen.

Since we’re eating at 3 p.m., I’m planning on a substantial morning protein shake, my usual coffee and some beef jerky for the ride up. It’s all I will need.

This plan will give me the permission to taste whatever I want with the parameters to keep me from overeating. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

As quoted by

Last week I had a sudden spike in the number of visits to this site. Checking my stats, I saw that a number of the unexpected visitors came from the same site, www. calorielab.com.

They reviewed my blog, quoting from my posts and linking to various entries. It was surreal for me to read someone else's impression of my writing and my insights. What I found most bothersome was the characterization that I was "forlorn, confused woman" and that I profile myself "in less than complimentary terms."

My first response was to feel quite defensive. Personally, I'd not characterize myself as either forlorn or confused. But obviously, somewhere in my writing, that's what comes across to some people. So maybe there's a grain of truth in that. I'll consider it.

And it got me to thinking that I do have the tendency to be self-deprecating in my assessments of myself. Is it because I'd rather cut myself down before someone else does it? I have always, always, always been concerned about what people think of me. I act like I don't, but I really do. It's how I'm wired.

Speaking of wired, I also wonder if I am wired to always struggle with these issues I've written about for the past year. What if I really am only happy when I'm conflicted? What if I've gorged myself for my whole life to keep myself unhappy, afraid of what true inner happiness feels like? Maybe I just don't want the responsibility of being happy. So why would that be?

Going back and reading that review of my blog still makes me a little uneasy. And I HATE that people coming here for the first time will have had their judgment of my blog (and of my) affected by someone else's perception of me. But I suppose, if you're going to write about rearranging your guts, post picture of your boobs and call yourself names online, you should be open to whatever anyone thinks of you--good, bad or indifferent.

Catching up

Atlanta was fun, a welcomed diversion from the chaos of my daily life. We relaxed, watched movies, dawdled through the days, chatted, slept, laughed, ate, and so forth. Wendy survived her plummet into her 40s. I showed no mercy and taunted her with reminders that she was now a decade older than me.

As for my food, I didn't do too bad. I could have REALLY lost it, but managed to keep the eating of snack-like substances to a minimum. In no way was the weekend a repeat of previous out-of-town pig-outs. I did, however, dump like a demon on Friday night fom a shot os Starbucks Cream liquour. Not fun. Good thing I could switch to Cocktails by Jenn.

I flew back Monday morning and headed straight into the office for 2 day of meetings. Today I met my civic obligations and served jury duty. I got picked for a jury panel, but then not selected to serve. Sweet deal.

With the crazy schedule I've had, I haven't eaten very well since returning. I think I've done more snacks as meals than I did in Atlanta. I'm finding that if I don't have readily available protein, I don't work that hard to find it or make it. Dangerous.

Finally, I got an advance proof of one of my new cookbooks yesterday. I've had a couple other books arrive since I started this position in January. But this book, The Market Fresh Cookbook, is one that I'm really proud of. I like how my recipe selection came together, the solid intro and the great design. I think it's going to be in stores in February.

Leaving on a jet plane

I do know when I'll be back. Monday. Just in time for two days of business meetings followed by two days of jury duty.

I'm heading to Atlanta again to help my dearest Wonder Wendy ring in her 40th birthday. I thought I'd see how it goes for her so I know what to expect next summer.

No tattoos this time. Probably a few fun excursions. Lots of talking, for sure. This will be my fourth trip to Atlanta in a year. I've seen more of Ms. Wendy this year than I had for the previous five years. But ours is the kind of friendship that thrives even when we don't speak for long stretches. And during the past 20 years, we've had some long, dry spells.

While I dread next week, I know this weekend will give me the boost I need. I worry, though, about eating. Lately, whenever I deviate from a normal weekend routine, my eating gets whacked. Then I struggle for the next two weeks getting back on track. Knowing I'm facing that battle might be enough for me to avoid it.

Wish me luck. I'll be back in a few days. In the meantime, try my Hot Fat Apple Crisp and tell me if you like it.

In the end...

Wisconsin voters have spoken, and they've decided to tinker with the state constitution and write off an entire group of people. And they think it's a marvy idea to bring back the death penalty. I'm just relieved that the ballot question didn't read: "I am in favor of reinstating the death penalty for gay people who want to protect their assets and family, provided DNA evidence is present." Imagine what the vote would have been then!

But on the brighter side...effective 1/1/07, my company is offering domestic partner benefits. After asking for the for over 7 years, I figure I best put Rose on my insurance now.

Here's the justice: Our company probably has around 1 million customers in Wisconsin. If those 1 million voted on Tuesday, around 600,000 would have voted to pass that damn amendment and deny me spousal rights or any similar standing. Fine. Because now those very people are helping to pay the insurance premiums for Rose every time they send in their check. Thank you very much! Best of all, I know that if they understood this, they'd be pissing in their pants and throwing bibles at our front office door.

Put it that way and now I'm actually looking forward to the increase in insurance costs for next year.

Hot Fat Apple Crisp

Ok, here's a recipe I made up today. I just pulled it out of the oven and sampled it. YUMMY! Nutrition facts are below. I pulled them from Calorie Count. I didn't include the nutritionals for the caramel sauce since there wasn't option for it. But check out the link below for more details.

Hot Fat Apple Crisp
5 medium apples, peeled, cored and cubed
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup Splenda granular (not the baking blend)
2 tbsp. Walden Farm's Calorie-Free Caramel Sauce
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/2 cup flaxseed meal
1/2 cup Splenda granular (not the baking blend)
1 tbsp. cinnamon
2 tbsp. melted butter

Mix the first five ingredients together and pour into a 9x9 glass baking dish sprayed with butter-flavor cooking spray.

In another bowl, mix remaining ingredients until crumbly. Sprinkle over apple mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until apples are tender.

Yield 16 servings

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 53 g
Amount Per Serving
Calories 69
Calories from Fat 30
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 3.3g 5%
Saturated Fat 0.9g 5%
Cholesterol 4mg 1%
Sodium 13mg 1%
Total Carbohydrates 9.8g 3%
Dietary Fiber 2.9g 12%
Sugars 4.5g
Protein 1.5g

Just vote NO

I'm debating whether I head to the voting polls before work or after tomorrow. Either way, I'm going. I hardly feel like I can miss this election. In Wisconsin, there's a vote on ammending the constitution regarding marriage and similar status. If you live here, you know it's been a hot topic this fall.

I've been surprised by the number of otherwise "quiet" people I know who tell me they are heading out to vote NO on the ammendment. Relieved, too. It's hard not to feel the hate seeping from the dumbass politicians and the ignorant people who think they have a right to tell anyone else how they should plan their lives.

This past week there was an ad out with KIDS used to push the conservative agenda. Yep, no valid argument. Just cheap tricks. I think it's backfiring though. Most people I've heard talking about it are offended that they'd pull kids into the debate. Almost as despicable as handing a 3-year-old a posterboard of an aborted fetus for an anti-abortion rally.

Who knows if a vote either way will change anything. But I'll be damned if I take a chance and not vote.

But better news for those of us working for RP. For the first time ever, the company's now going to offer domestic partner benefits. Long time coming. Rose's insurance is pretty good on its own. But we're putting her on my insurance now. If for no other reason than that I've been hounding HR since I first interviewed with the company 7-1/2 year ago about offering DP bennies.

And another thing. I love my parents. They've come a long way since I came out to them 15 years ago. My mom actually took the time to vote absentee because she's out of state. And my dad is voting just to vote no.

Speechless