Missing my blog buddies

I used to have this long list of blogs (over there, on the right) that I visited frequently. Then blogroller was shot to hell, probably because of the new Blogger (which I think should be called Bloogle, in keeping with all things Google-like). And now my blogs don't update AND I lost a bunch that I really liked. I'm beside myself with anxiety (and surfing boredom).

HELP ME! If you have a blog, drop me a line at jen@hotfat4sale.com or post in the comments with a link.

Hi, My Name Is...

Yesterday a former coworker walked into the building. I hadn't seen him in two years. I made eye contact with him and smiled. He gave me an awkward grin in return.

I walked up to him and said, "Hi Erik, nice to see you. I'm Jen O****."

He said, "Oh, my god. I wondered if you were somebody that I should know."

Two hours later...

I pass a coworker in the hall. "Hey, Heather," I said.

"Hi," I hear in return.

Five steps past me...

"Oh, Jen, that's you. I'm never sure if it's you or not."

And then later, via email from a friend who saw the website, but remembers me from a few years back:

"I checked out your site and decided I need to spend some time with you in person because your picture looks like someone else completely--but wow. You look so different that I'll have a tough time keeping that pic of you in my head."

Hee hee.

Introducing...

This is the photo taken during the shoot I previously mentioned in my Jan. 5 post. This final crop shows just two of us. But I still see the same things I saw on that day. Photographer was Jim Wieland from the Reiman Photo Studio. Check out his cool, interactive website, jimwieland.com .

Yoga

I had my first yoga class last night. Out of six participants, I was the only one that had never done a yoga class before. But I told the instructor that I was a newbie and she was quite helpful. Touched on breathing, beginning postures, tried some things with a pole and ropes. Maybe that's why it was so fun!

Anyway, I loved that my body moved so easily and I felt quite comfortable in the setting. I was amazed at the positions my body was able to take on. I had never even considered stretching, twisting, contorting, reaching in those ways. Best of all, I loved the connection I felt to my body when I was relaxed and focused on what I was doing.

Afterward, I was energized, tingling from the blood flowing to my muscled and eager to return next week. I could really get into this.

Forgiveness

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that I have the capacity to forgive. Myself. Others. The Universe. God.

I've had a number of incidents pile up that, when partnered with introspection, have led me to realize that very few hurts can't be forgiven. I've waded through broken trusts, bitter words, biting comments, hasty judgements. Whether actual or perceived, their presence has rested heavily upon me. I could carry them with me, coddling them. Or release them. Move on. Grant myself permission to feel the sting and then heal. Sometimes we are the best at heaping salt on our own gaping wounds.

I've come to know that for me, the internal act of forgiveness is more important than speaking the words. Sometimes, those I need to forgive don't even understand the why, the what, the how. And really, why bring up something that may never be understood? Had they known their actions were hurtful, they may never have acted.

So to myself and to others, both known and unknown, I extend that proverbial olive branch. No apologies needed. None expected. All's forgiven, forgotten.

Monday morning

I don't want to become one of those bloggers that updates so infrequently one wonders "why even bother?" This week, bad news. My meditation class was cancelled. So I signed up for a beginning yoga class instead! The meditation class was going to tell me if I thought I could even get into doing those introspective, body awareness things. I guess the universe gave me a push instead.

I celebrated a friend's 40th birthday on Saturday with way too much wine. Seriously overboard. I had been eating with the wine and something didn't set well. I retched my guts out and paid the price on Sunday. Things came out of my mouth that I had no idea my body could contain or produce. It was actually rather scary. I need to remind myself that wine, just like food, may taste good, but I don't need to taste it all.

Nothing new

It's been a long, slow week. Still doing my daily ab crunches. I signed up for a meditation class that starts next week. Bought some resistance bands. Also moved my treadmill and am trying to convince myself that I really CAN walk the entire length of an episode of The Office--and enjoy both. We'll see. I'm hell-bent on plastic surgery in the fall, but will not do it if I can't maintain weight. I want to lose and keep off at least 5 more pounds. Then snip, snip! The only way I'm going to make it happen is to exercise.

Oughta be in pictures

Yesterday I participated as a model in a photo shoot for a new book at work. I designed some papercraft projects for the book and they asked me to be in the photos. It was a long day of hurry up and wait, but lots of fun. I got my makeup done by a professional stylist, the set in the home was beautiful and the people that I was with were fun.

All of our photos were done digitally, so I got to see them as the photographer downloaded them for previews. I was stunned at what I saw.

You'd think that after so many months and so many pounds, I wouldn't have any more of those "wow" moments. Not so. For the first time, I saw myself photographed next to strangers, not people I'm used to being with. And for the first time, I think I saw myself as I really, truly am.

I saw a woman, relatively attractive for pushing 40, who had well-styled hair, sharp glasses and clothes that fit. She had an angled jaw, defined shoulders and proportionate build. She looked relaxed and confident, natural even. She looked like everyone else in the pictures. Maybe even a little bit thinner, a little bit younger.

When the pictures first popped up on screen, I almost didn't see myself. And then I realized that the person in the middle with the beaming smile was ME. No fat freak hogging the framing. Just a regular woman. Me.

That's why I did this. That's why I had my guts rearranged, my world turned upside down. So some day I would look at a photo and be amazed at how I had become this new person. My authentic self. And so I would realize that deep down I truly like her.

Happy New Year

Back to work today...and reality. I'm starting the new year off with regular tracking of my food on Fitday. I need to be aware of those empty calories I so easily consume. And I've been slacking on protein.

I pumped up my exercise ball last night and did the first of many ab crunches to come. My goal is plastic surgery next October. I need to have muscle tone before then.

And I'm cutting back on coffee. One tassimo latte and a 12 oz. french roast from the new cafeteria service at work. I'm already going through withdrawel.