It's not my fault

I'm taking great satisfaction in knowing that this past year I did not contribute to the obesity epidemic. It's a first. Hallelujah.

1-Year Out and Counting...

Here it is: the one-year anniversary of my RNY laproscopic gastric bypass.

The official weigh-in for morning was 171.5. But since this is the first day that number’s on the scale, I’ll keep 172 as the weight of record. I’ve lost a bunch of weight this last week. Not sure how, but I’ll take it. Anything’s better than 317.

I can hardly believe that I weighed that much. I don’t at all look or feel like that person. I am still amazed at the bones I see and the curves I feel and the angles I notice.

I marvel at this whole new world that has been opened to me, that I seem to effortlessly fit into—literally and figuratively speaking. I’m never the largest person in the crowd. I’m never the one that everyone shrinks from, afraid to be grazed by the mounds of flesh swishing by. I don’t have to plot a path through a crowded room. I don’t have to get to work an hour early to get a parking space within non-panting walking distance. I don’t even think about those things now.

And maybe that’s the best part of this struggle. I think I’ve gotten down to the core person I really am. Shedding pounds has meant shedding the protective layers of self-doubt, insecurity, resentment, anger. I am more confident, less critical. More focused, less fearful. More awake, aware and actually participating in my life than ever before.

Sometimes I get sad thinking about the years that went by where I was floundering in my fat. I’m sad for that girl. Sad for the time she wasted, the pain she felt, the loathing she heaped upon herself. I think this is my chance to make it right for her. One of my friends said that the fat people we were served a purpose in our lives. They protected us from something. Helped us cope with something. Carried us through difficult things. And we should respect our fat selves for what they did for us. I agree. I was fat for reasons—too many, too complicated, too personal to get into—but I don’t have to be fat anymore. I choose not to be fat anymore.

Another acquaintance says she never felt like she was a fat person. I think she’s more the minority than the majority. I always felt like a fat person—because I WAS a fat person. This past year has taught me that we all transition through this process in different stages and in different ways. Our realities are our own. True growth, however, comes from recognizing that other people’s experiences are just as valid as yours—and letting other people follow their own path. I’ve learned to better acknowledge the diverse, difficult journeys we’ve each embarked upon and respect them. Not control them. Not judge them. Not even try to influence them or only think about them from my own limited, self-censoring perspective.

And I’ve learned to let go of the people that I feel don’t support me in the path I choose. I don’t have to make anyone else but myself happy. It’s easy for me to get bogged down by other’s opinions and want to please them. I think it’s just how I’m wired. But in the last year I realized that I’m strong enough to NOT be influenced by other’s opinions of me, my partner, my relationship, my job, my family, my religion. The fat’s gone, the skin has finally thickened. And it’s made me realize that sometimes the struggle to stand up for who you are against other people’s judgments of you simply isn’t worth the time or effort. Because in the end, who are they to judge you? I’d rather cut them out of my life and move on.

Moving on. Where am I going from here? I don’t think I’m going to worry about it. I have a few goals, like losing a bit more weight, stabilizing and getting ready for plastic surgery. I’d like to exercise more—though I probably never will. There are a few things I’d like to do, like Paris for my 40th birthday next summer.

The lack of passionate focus and determination at this point I think speaks to how I’ve changed the most. Patience was never a virtue of mine. It’s still not. But I have a greater appreciation and respect for it. I think I’d like thing to slow down for a while. I’d be happy to just see where everything takes me instead of trying to force my life in a specific direction. What happens, happens. If it’s good and it make me happy, all the better. And if sucks dangling donkey balls, then I’m a stronger person to deal with it.

Cruising down the highway of fat

I got a new vehicle today. I swiped this photo off the internet, but my 2006 Hyundai Santa Fe looks just like it. Except better.


I saw it on Wednesday. Took Rose with me again on Thursday and picked it up tonight. This is the only time I've ever bought a car and didn't worry about fitting in the seat or fastening the seatbelt. In fact, it never crossed my mind that they wouldn't fit.

I wonder if I'll get better gas mileage since the load's so light. Hmmm....

-365

In a couple of days it will be one year since my RNY surgery. I've really tried not to do the whole "a year ago I [fill in the blank]" thing. It bores other people and it would eventually bore me, too. And on my actual surgery anniversary day, I'll post the mother of all introspective entries. So no need to get started early (or spoil all the fun).

But. What I have noticed is how many things I DIDN'T even realize have been missing in my life. No drive-thrus. No Krispy Kremes. No butter-soaked garlic bread from Mama Mia's on 86th & Greenfield. Somewhere between then and now, I stopped worrying about those things.

Of course, there's another whole host of self-sabotaging, mind-numbing avoidance behaviors I've adapted. But at least the ones that helped me top the scales at 317 seem to be pretty much null and void.

During the last couple of weeks, since the two-person pants pictures, several friends have told me that they don't even remember me that big. Funny. I'll never forget it. I have, however, forgotten the desperate stops at drive-thrus where I ordered two value meals (for me and that invisible person) and then ate them both. I forgot the planned eating to avoid the chance of anyone seeing empty wrappers, how I stuffed food boxes and bags at the bottom of the garbage can.

How did I do that? How did I erase that from my memory? And when did that wistful longing for all things deep-fried and trans fat laden leave?

If I don't remember those things I did, am I destined to repeat them?

Bargain Shopping

I am a bargain shopper. I'm definitely not cheap, but I do love a great deal. And eating healthy definitely can cost a pretty penny. So here are the the websites I visit for some of my favorite post-op/diet products--and good deals. In no particular order:

EAS
I like to have ready-to-drink protein shakes on hand. The AdvantEdge Carb Control drinks have 15 gm of protein, a couple grams of carbs and only 100 calories. Their Coffeehouse Caramel, Mocha and Cappucino flavors aren't too bad. And right now, Caramel and Mocha are available through the site for just $28.76 for a case (24 cans). Register and get them for $25 something a case. I also got free shipping. In the stores, the cheapest I ever find it is 2 4-packs for $10.

DaVinci Gourmet
Before I drank protein shakes for a living, I specialized in kick-ass coffee drinks. And DaVinci makes the best syrups. They have a gazillion sugar-free flavors. I've tried aobut 3/4 of them. My fave is Dulce de Leche. Add the syrup to your favorite beverage and you'll be smiling, too. Try Spiced Chai with IDS' Vanilla Cinnamon protein powder. YEE-UUMMM-MEEEE.

Glenny's
For crunchy treats or sweet snacks, I love the products from Glenny's. Try the Soy Crisps instead of chips. They have a good amount of protein and aren't as high in carbs. And they come in lots of flavors. (I recommend caramel or cheddar.) And for something sweeter, grab their Light N Crispy Bars. Only 60 calories each. Free shipping on anything without the chocolate. Flat, reasonable shipping otherwise.

Sami's Bakery
Thanks to a local store, I fell in love with the Millet & Flax Chips. Excellent source of dietary fiber, low in carbs. I tried the lavash, too. Not bad.

Smart Body Nutrition
This link takes you directly to the only product I order from them: Ostrim Protein Sticks. Yes, made of ostrich meat. But delish. And only 90 calories a stick with around 14 gm of protein. I recommend the teriyaki flavor.

I'm still looking for the very best deals on protein powders. I think you definitely need to shop around a bit for those. Let me know if you find good flavors and great deals. And tell me about other products you love.

1-Yr. Post-Op Surgeon Visit

Thursday was doctor day! My 1-year post-op visit with the surgeon went well. He was pleased with my 140 lb loss and predicted that, if I work at it and exercise, I could probably take off another 30 pounds in the coming year. Well alrighty then.

The best part about the visit was the lab results. Last March my B-12 was pretty low, so he put me on a nasal spray. B-12 is now within the normal range. All other indicators were normal. NORMAL.

I had a bone density scan, too. And although those levels were within the normal range, the spot-check on my hip bones were on the very low end of normal. I'm upping the Calcium Chews and hoping that helps.

Hemoglobin A1C was 5.4. Last year at this time it was 8.9 when I was on meds. This year it was normal with NO MEDS.

My cholesterol, which I can't remember right now, was better than most people's ever will be.

This truly is better than the weight in some ways. Last year I felt like I would be dead in months. I was on so many different meds for diabetes, high blood pressure, acid reflux, blah, blah, blah. And now my only prescription is the nasal vitamin spray. And I feel like I could live for another 40 years.

From the doctor's mouth to my blog: Jennifer is a healthy, normal person.

Pain in the Pouch

I've never been one to talk about my re-engineered stomach as anything other than a sack of muscle. I don't have a name for it. I don't really tow the bypass party line and call it a tool. It's just there.

But this little thing is a freakin' pain in my side tonight. I feel like I have a baseball lodged underneath my rib cage. It's making alien noises and threatening a revolt. And I can't stop belching. Loud, horrific, 10-year-old boy belches. Satan rising from the nether regions of my innards.

I ate about a half cup of salad, six croutons, two onion slivers, a slice of red pepper and about 1 square inch of steak--over 35 minutes. Not 10 minutes. No liquids either.

Maybe I need some cheese to go with the whine. Urp.

2 for the price of 1

Two peas in a size 32W pod: Dyan and me in my pants (and in my office).


Seeing really is believing. You should have seen me a year ago when I was the only one that fit in these pants.

Rummage Sale Wonder

I busted my ass this week for my annual Rubber Stamp Rummage Sale. Once a year, I clean out my rubber stamp warehouse, the 10 x 10 room where I stash the creative toys and tools, and offer the goods to the greater rubber stamping community in Southeastern Wisconsin at obscene discount rates. Let's just say that yesterday I made enough money to pay a couple months of mortgage payments. Yep. A HUGE success.

But who cares. What I really want to write about was the strange and unsettling reactions I got from people that haven't seen me since February.

One woman walked up to me, handed me her load of goodies and said she was ready to check out. And then said "Where's Jen? I haven't seen her yet." I replied with "I'm right here." She jumped she was so startled. She really didn't know it was me.

Another gal was coming over to pick up our youngest cat-child, Lola, who was going to the kitten spa for 2 weeks. (That's what we told the cat. Really, she's going to "stop peeing in house" boot camp). Anyway, this woman walked 50 feet toward me. Smiled. Said hello. Asked where Rose was. And then said, "Jen, is that you?" Why, yes it was me!

And finally, another acquaintance chatted me up for a while. Then she comes out with "something looks different about you." Sure. That would be the missing 100+ pounds since you saw me the last time!

All in all, the day was amusing. People would come in, say hi and then go to the back of the garage where they'd then discuss my bodily changes. Hello, people, the garage is ony 15 feet long and I can HEAR YOU!

It was all quite amusing. I can't wait until next year when I change from caucasian to east Indian. Yep, that will keep 'em talking.

Weighing the facts

Cruising the WLS Grad board on Obesity Helpthis morning, I found a link to figure out how much I should weigh.

I am a 39-year-old woman who is 5'6" tall. The calculator tells me that most women my age and height who classify themselves as leading a sedentary lifestyl weigh 162 pounds. The medical ideal for my body is 131. A realistic goal weight for me could be 144.

I'm only 14 pounds over a normal weight. FOURTEEN POUNDS. I can't imagine getting down to 144 or ever 131. I don't think I want to because I think I'd like gaunt.

I've had 158.5 in the back of my head because I would have lost half of my weight at the time of surgery. And when pressed for a goal, I give people 147 because I always do mini goals in 10-pound increments and that would make a loss of 170 pounds.

But dang, 162 sounds good to me. I could live with myself at that weight. I'm already at a weight that I have absolutely no recollection of ever seeing before. (After my 185 weight in 8th grade, the next lowest weight milestone I can recall is 125 pounds in 2nd grade--as a SEVEN YEAR OLD!)

Beg, Borrow, Steal

Always having been the larger or largest person in any given group of people, I never took part in traditional lending, borrowing or swapping of clothing articles. Anyone would drown in my clothes. And me fit in their clothes? Uh, no.

But yesterday, a delightful pixie-like co-worker asked if she could try on the sweater I was wearing. My first response was "It's way too big!". Her reply: "No it's not. Let me try it on."

For the past many months I've had people tell me constantly how different I look, how good I look, how skinny I'm getting, blah, blah, blah. Within the last month the refrain has changed to "how much more are you going to lose" or "you're not going to lose anymore, are you?"

So hearing people express their thoughts on my shrinking girth is nothing new. But being taken into the normal girl's club is. No one has ever asked if they could try on my clothes. No one with exceptional style, like this co-worker, has ever hinted that they'd even consider trying on my clothes.

I feel like I learned the secret passcode that gets me lifetime admittance to the tree house. People's perceptions of me have shifted. And I've become less leary of those perceptions, more trusting. A few months ago I would have felt like I was getting set up for a nasty joke. Today, I feel like I've achieved coolness status that makes me untouchable.

I let her try on my sweater. And it was too big, just as I had thought. Then again, it's too big for me, too.

It's official

The scale reads 177. That's almost three days in row (yesterday was 176) so it's pretty much gospel truth in my diet book.

Down 140 pounds. Those last five pounds were a bitch. I'm sure the next five will be just as frustrating. Then again, what's another 5 after 140?

The hot fat inventory is running low, kids.

Is it working?

Notice the new banner? Is it screwing up your window? Problems seeing it? Let me know. I don't know what I'm doing, really. Email me at jen@hotfat4sale.com and tell me all about.

-------

Ok, it's a bit smaller now. Ok?

Timeline

I'm coming up on the 1-year anniversary of my surgery and suddenly it feels like I'm channeling Fat Jen again. Maybe it's the oppressive heat that reminds me of how I plodded through last summer, sweat drizzling down the pudge on my neck and back, pooling behind my knees. Maybe it's the spate of appointments and tests required for my 1-year surgeon visit.

For a long time I haven't been doing the "when I was fat" comparison because I have hit that point where I feel okay in my skin, sagging though it may be. But for the last week, I'll get that refrain going in my head like a bad track from Olivia Newton-John. When I was fat I would...when I was fat I didn't...when I was fat I never.... Fill in the blank. There were a lot of woulds, didn'ts and nevers during life at 317.

I guess the significant part of this is the same thing that's irritating me. When I was fat. Before. After. I'm not fat any more. At least not super morbidly obese on the verge of cardiac arrest and/or stroke. I'm clinically still overweight--and may always be. But one thing I know for sure...

I am not fat.