Hiatus

So. This is where I am: sitting in my parents' home waiting for an intake worker from a hospital specializing in eating disorders to call us back.

Because, in the words of my niece Nikkole as she dove beneath the couch to retrieve a lost sock, "I'm going in!" (You have to hear how that sounds in my head to fully appreciate it.)

The low point was yesterday as I lay in a pool of my own vomit (wine and chocolate chip cookies) with someone on the other end of the phone line trying to keep me awake.

The high point? Staying awake.

I've worked pretty hard at sniping, sniveling and sarcastically writing around my eating/control issues. I think I fooled nearly everyone, myself included. But you get to the point where it's just too damn exhausting to do it anymore. Any of it. Eat. Breathe. Hide.

I don't know that they're going to let me blog at the hospital. And I probably shouldn't anyway. At some point, I'll be back. Better? Maybe. I'd be happy to just be back.

Two years of posting

The 19th marked two years of this blog. Two years of writing at first what I thought would be for me, then became a way to connect to other people, then it was for other people. And now I really need it to be for me.

I censor so much of what I write here because I am afraid of judgement. I want to portray a picture of success. I want confidence and charisma to exhude from every word and phrase. So most times it does.

And when it doesn't, when it slips into honesty and self-examination, I feel I will let down the people who come to this address for encouragement. For hope that life gets better when you're thinner. That life is easier when you're lighter.

In fact, it can be. But it necessarily won't be.

I'm still in Atlanta. I might stretch my time here a little longer. I haven't decided. While here, I've felt relief from my eating and internal demons. I know that doesn't pacify them for good. But the break--it's sweet. Sweeter than any food I could let pass my lips.

The land of milk and honey.

ATL on my mind

Leaving tonight for a long weekend in ATL with WW. A retreat of sorts for me from reality. A break. Hopefully well-deserved. First, a meeting with a nutritionist. Another one. Looking for sanity in my eating plan. Not sure if I'm really ready for it.

The scale continues to move down. I'm pleased with myself. But wish I didn't look so fat in all my clothes. I don't get how you can lose 10 pounds and not see a difference.

WTF!

Someone came to this blog after searching for "people 4 sale". What the hell?!? Even scarier is that my blog came up high on the return list. Shee-it.

A new world record

Last night at my workout, I did 3 miles on the elliptical in under 27 minutes. A mile in 9 minutes. When I started, it took me 20 minutes to do one mile. ONE mile.

And I burned 380 calories in that 27 minutes.

Scale is back to 169.6 today.

New week

I was devastated this morning when the scale read 171.6. One lousy day of bad food and it jumps right back up. I hate that damn thing. I can't live without that damn thing.

I've been to see both of the therapists I mentioned. I'll see them each again. Different styles. Different focuses. There's enough of the screwed up me to go around for everyone!

You might notice I removed some crap from this page. got rid of my vital stats because they were upsetting me. Weeded out some things on my links. Got rid of my fat picture. The video may be going,too. Haven't decided. I'm cleaning house. If I can't strip my body to the bare bones, I can at least whittle down this blog.

And speaking of this blog, I'm finding it difficult to post here. When I started this a couple years ago, it was just me, myself and I. And now I get a ton of daily hits from people. Some know me well, some know me not at all. But it's hard for me right now to have my life opened up to anyone to comment on...hell, to even look at. Some things I don't want people close to me to know about. Some things I'm not ready to admit.

So I may not post a ton on here for a while. We'll see. I'm feeling vulnerable and reclusive. I don't want to hear any more "you can do it" or "it will get better" or similar cheers. I know it's all true. I just don't feel it. And when I read that, I feel worse because I'm NOT feeling better.

There you have it. Probably the most honest I've been on this page in ages.

It's a new week. I already feel behind the eight ball with that 2.6 weight gain. I already feel like I've got too much on my plate today trying to figure out how to maneuver through my food choices. Long day. Long week.

Scale victory

For two days in a row, the scale has popped up a 169. I feel so relieved to have it move down and not up. I likes me the 160s.

Fitness Check-Up

I had a 6-month fitness assessment withmy trainer on Saturday. The results were pretty encouraging.

My overall fitness, ranked from 1 to 100, an average of my performance versus the generanl population (of I don't know what), went from 38 on 5/9 to a 62.

My blood pressue is down. My resting heart rate dropped from 71 bpm to 63 bpm. My submax bench press weight incread from 29 pounds to 54 pounds. My submax leg press went from 180 pounds to 287 pounds. Sit-reach hip flexion measurement stayed the same.

I lost 1.88 inches in my chest, 4 inches in waist and .88 inches in my hips. My thighs increased 1.62 inches, my calves increased 1 inch. But my arms and fore arms were down slightly.

Now for the weight. I was 160 on 5/9. On Saturday, I was 176. They tell me that I increased my lean muscle weight. (Still trying to get my head around this because all I see if a higher weight.) On 5/9, they said I had 130 pounds of lean weight and 39 pounds of fat weight. The report says that I now have 138 pounds of lean weight and 38 pounds of fat weight. I think this is figured on those pinch test things..which do NOT work in my abdominal region.

So that's it. I guess I'm healthier. It doesn't make sense to me. They say my waist measures smaller, but NONE of my clothes seem to fit right or look decent on me. I can't get past the higher scale number. I want it LOWER.

But my legs are totally ripped. That's a good thing. If I could only prance around in biker shorts and a garbage bag top.

Biker Babe?

Last weekend I had the highest bid in an auction for an hour-long ride on a Harley. I collected on that prize today.

Chuck picked me up at 2:30 and we headed north of Milwaukee to Holy Hill. The ride was part on the interstate, part along winding country roads. The thermometer topped 85 degrees, but the trees were brilliant reds, oranges, yellows and browns. After riding to the top of the hill, we headed west through Mayberry-esque little towns like Merton, Hartland and Lisbon before we stopped for lunch in Sussex. In all, we logged about 135 miles.

My legs are still vibrating. My skin is a little numb from the wind. But the smile is still plastered on my face.

This was SO worth the $150 I paid for it. For the first time in a very long time I felt the stress start to melt away. My mind wandered through parts less dark. I felt nearly invicible on that back of the bike, floating past everything that's been holding me down, pulling me back. I gladly would have paid twice that much for it.

2nd appt

I have a second shrink appointment with a therapist that specialized in eating disorders. I'll be putting up a paypal link to solicit financial support for my emotional distress. I blew through my 125K funds already this year. Now this could be one way to cut back on the food bill.

I have a fitness assessment tomorrow to see where I stand (or squat or lunge or press) since I started working out last May. I hope it shows that some of the extra weight I'm carrying is muscle. I know. I know. It is. But I want the proof!

Some of the spiked weight is tapering off. I hate how I'm so fixated on this. I feel even more consumed by food, fat and scale numbers than I did when I was over 300 pounds. I'd like to get some perspective. That's why I need two therapists.

Relief

My body is still burning from last night's workout. I had a loaner trainer from another location and he's excellent at visualization. His pointers really got me to focus on some muscle groups in ways that I didn't think were humanly possible.

Another update: call back from a therapist. I've got an appointment for next week. She focuses on the mond-body connection and doesn't really do a lot of the traditional talk therapy...mostly visualization, meditation, even hypnosis. I'll give it a try. At least SHE called me back.

I continue to struggle with food. No duh. I had a decent day yesterday until about 5, when I downed some baby food snacks. But I also worked off those 180 calories in the first 20 minutes of cardio. Then when I got home from working out, I ate about 3 oz of chicken, 3 tablespoons of peanut butter and about a 1/2 cup of SF/FF ice cream over the next three hours. I should have stopped with the chicken--everything else was impulse. My calories for the day were about 1200. But of those, at least 750 came after 5 p.m. Danger zone.

Untitled, 2007

I guess I didn't sound desperate enough when I left pleading messages with potential therapists. No calls back.

The scale is inching higher. I've had a few days of binging and, of course, I'm going to pay for it some way. The scale doesn't lie. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Workout tonight. I think I start a new program. My thighs are getting hard. My upper arms have wavy muscles. Both areas have lovely yards of flabby skin draped elegantly over them. It's so fun being a middle-aged gastric bypass patient with skin that's lost any inclination of elasticity. Thank god it's moving into long-sleeve and turtle-neck weather.